An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend


Paranoia I hate it..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
Okay here I am getting paranoid again. I have a million scenarios running through my brain. It all started with this guy saying a bunch of shit to me online today. Here's the quote:

"Your parties blow and your a lier and my friend said that your set sucked so bad that he put a paper near the mixer saying you suck and to stop playing..... dont quit your day job just yet man cuz this djing shit isent for you nor is throwing shows."

Well, very cheery stuff indeed. Obviously this guy does not even know who I am because then he would know I'm not even a DJ. This kind of hateful message though really affects me. I guess I am extreamly sensitive & when I feel attacked it really hurts me. This guy is also associated with the whole "B.A.D. Kids" crew. Funny how this is that I am working with the head of B.A.D. Kids letting him DJ at my next event. I got thoughly upset, I was physically shaking.. I called this guy the head of B.A.D. Kids Mohammad & told him what this guy DJ P said to me & how if he wanted to work with me he better put this guy in line. I told him I wasn't about to promote his name or his crew on my flier if this is the kind of people they are. I got really burned by this guy Steve & I don't want to ever feel that way again. Mohammad seemed to understand my point & talked to this guy DJ P. He sent me a sort of apology & I guess I kind of accepted it. But this shit really upsets me. I am still not feeling well from this experience. I feel this conspiracy feeling all over again. I feel like people are plotting against me. I feel that I am unliked & unappreciated by anyone. I know it's all delusion but it's hard not to feel that way. I keep thinking no one really has any respect for me or my visons. I know it's not true but it's really hard for me to believe that right now. I signed a contract with the 418 Project today pretty much sealing my doom if anything bad happens now. I'm sure it won't but I don't know why I just feel that way. It's hard for me not to believe people are laughing at me behind my back. It's hard to believe anyone has any respect for me. Again, this is all my garbage & I know that. I am very creative & I have achieved a lot working on this project of mine. I have been working very hard to make a business for myself. A place where I can connect with people, make friends & make money. I want to see my art come to life. I want people to be amazed at what I am doing. I am still so fearful & I am wrestling a lot of demons. The demons of years of hurt & neglect. The years of painful memories. The abuse I suffered as a child. Everything is still effecting me. I don't want it to though but I know it is an essential part of me. I have to learn to live with the person I actually am & not try to be someone I'm not. That person I am is insecure & distrustful of people.. I just need to find ways of living with that. I need to find the people in my life I can truely trust & depend on. I need to avoid people who will take advantage of innocent people like me. I don't have a negative bone in my body. I am only about love & compassion for people. I don't go out with the intention of hurting anyone. If I have ever hurt anyone I feel terrible about it & I try to change those parts of myself. Not everyone is like me. Not everyone really cares about other people. Not everyone is good. It's hard for me to believe that. It's hard for me to believe all people are not good but if anyone should know that it should be me. Having been abused in my life I should be aware of these things. I invite in bad people & then I regret it. I let bad people take advantage of me. I don't want that to happen anymore. I want really good people in my life. Is that wrong to want to have true good people in your life? Why is it even the good people I start to isolate myself from because I don't trust anyone? I start to believe even the good people are bad. I do things to ruin my friendships & end up alone. I can't stand this pattern anymore. I don't want that reality. I have some very few good people in my life right now & that gives me hope. My friends also have a lot of paranoia & fears like I do. It seems like birds of a feather flock together. It is important to me to have people in my life who understand me & don't judge me harshly. People that can be there for me through my ups & downs. People that understand how much of an emotional wreck I can be. I am very tolerant of other peoples flaws as well. I know whats most important is someones heart & their intention twords the world. Anyway, this writing is my therapy. This is my way of working things out in my brain. I feel so isolated & alone right now. I feel helplessly lost but at the same time this is one of the best times of my life that I have ever had. I actually believe in myself & my own abilities. I am working hard to make these Graver Rave parties happen. Maybe they will flop but I doubt it. I get more & more support for it everyday & that makes me feel a whole lot better about myself. People coming out of the wood work volunteering to help me out. You can't know how good that makes me feel. People willing to help me with this dream of mine. People echoing the same dream within themselves. I feel like I am making a difference in peoples lives & that feels better than anything else I can describe. I want this good point in my life to continue. I want my dreams to come to reality. Ican't let one persons fucked up opinion affect me. There is always going to be negative bad people in the world. Think about thier name the BAD Kids & here I am with my title being "Love is the Law" see a difference there? I do! I want to spread love not be bad. I am not interested in being a BAD Kid. I am interested in being a good one. I have always been a really good kid. I have always strove to be a really good person & that means more to me than anything else. They say the good guy finishes last & maybe thats the case but I would rather be good than anything else. My company is "Love is the Law" for a reason. If your going to work with me or be a part of my production then you better understand my first & only rule is LOVE! if you can't give & receive love in this group than your not invited! Love has a certain responsibility to it. That is why Aleister Crowley said, "Love is the Law. Love under will." You have to will it into existence & it is a constant struggle to maintain. Love is the natural flow of life & once you get on with it you begin to flow with it & you really know what it is to be alive. Without love we are nothing. Without love life wouldn't exist. Love is the primary force of the universe that holds every atom together. It is the thing that keeps us all from just wanting to kill ourselves. Without it we die. We get sick. Dis-ease comes in. My goal with my company is to unite people with Love & to give them all the love I can & also to learn to recieve love from others. When you give to others you feel love, when others give to you, you feel love. Love is amazing! No, I'm not some hippy dippy person spouting this out, it's true & real. I know I have tried to live without love before & it never works. If more people knew how to give & recieve love the world would be a much better place. So I can forgive all those BAD Kids & bad people out there because I know they are suffering. I know without coming to the understanding that we all are all inner connected they can never know peace & happiness. They are living miserable lives lashing out at others because they think that makes them strong & powerful. Really they are the weakest ones. So all we can do is kill them with kindness & do our best to show another example without being stepped on & standing up for ourselves when other people hurt us. Showing other people our feelings & not being afraid to let them know how they have hurt us. That is what I did today. I let my feelings be known & I wasn't taken advantage of. I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself. Because I don't deserve to be hurt! Nobody does. I will always do my best to protect my innocent loving self & protect the other people around me who show me love. I will not tolerate otherwise. I love fiercely & that is the only way it can be.


93 93/93!!
LOVE IS THE LAW! LOVE UNDER WILL! EVERY MAN & EVERY WOMAN IS A STAR! DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW!

ABRAHADABRA 418!!!!!!!!

Hard working..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
Okay now I am working every day on my new "Business" I have become a FULL-TIME Rave promoter. This is taking all my time now. I spend hours on the phone, internet, etc. promoting & doing shit to get all this organized & together. It's fun though. I enjoy it a lot & I'm learning a lot. I never thought I would be doing this but here I am doing it. I've invented my own business & now I'm working to make it happen. It's really rewarding & really frustrating at times too. I've begun to meet some really cool people through this experience. I continue to grow my network everyday. More & more people are coming together under my rule. It's funny, me such a shy insecure person is pulling this off. Trust me it hasn't come natural to me but I am getting the hang of it now. Everyday I get closer to understanding how it all works more & more. Also working with other people is a big challenge & you have to keep in mind everyone's personalities. It's just amazing I can get in a room with all these people getting along & working together. It's not at all easy. I'm not going to quit though. I've found my passion & I'm sticking with it. Not anyone can dream up parties the way I can. With the combine efforts of me & my friends we are really pulling this off. Who ever thought I'd be doing this? But here I am doing it. So much fun!

So much is changing for me..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
So much is changing for me. I hardly know where to begin to describe it all. First of all I have been working very hard to be making these rave parties happen. It's hard to believe it's me doing these things. I didn't realize how much work it was going to be but it's worth it. From this experience I have begun to crawl out from my dark hole. I have been hiding for so long & feeling like such hell for so long. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to be confident & have a lot of friends. I want to be popular & happy. Not fake popular but popular because people actually like me for who I am. I've had all this creativity bottled up for so long & now it's all spilling out of me. Now I'm begining to put all these people together & having them work under my artistic direction. It feels fucking great. Everyday things get easier & better. I am trading in my shyness & insecurity for a more dynamic exciting person that has been there all the time hidden away & too scared to come out. I guess you can blame my up bringing & a whole lot of things but it's high time I quit playing the victim & start doing things for myself. Also a large part of what I'm learning is that you can't do everything on your own. You need other people in your life. You can't just spend all your life alone & by yourself. That isn't healthy. I feel socially retarded sometimes but I am trying to push past that. I keep being more & more amazed at what I am actually doing. It's more than just about making money or something like that. Sure, doing something I love & making money would be really good. Not only do I want this for myself but for everyone I know. Why should anyone be poor & unhappy? I don't think that should happen to anyone. I've allowed it to be my way of life for so long now that I hardly know how to change it. It's hard for me to believe that I have the talent it takes to do something different. I am discovering that I just have never found my passion before & without that your practically dead esp. an artistic person like me. Without an outlet for my creativity I turn it inward & start to lose my mind. I've been pretty crazy before & I don't plan on going back there. I want to keep achieving my goals & actually believing in my own abilities to make my dreams a reality.

Doing things like putting on raves has actually changed my personality a lot. Before I was always avoiding people now I am trying to invite them all in. Despite my fears & insecurities I am pushing past that programing & doing something amazing. Now I actually pay attention to people and am seeing the beauty in each person. I think I have a long way to go but I'm on the right road. I've made a lot of social faux pas but it is a part of this growth period in my life. Things will only get better from here. I have every confidence that my dream to become a rave promoter is actually coming into fruition. I have every confidence that I could learn to do this really well & be very happy doing it. Just like any new skill it takes time to learn. I shouldn't have expected success with my first couple tries. The fact is they were successes & I haven't lost a thing. I have realized how in the future I will do things differently but that is different from failure. With my last party I actually achieved my goal which was to bridge the gap between ravers & goths. Why am I even interested in doing something like that? Because they have both scenes have been an essential part of my growth as a human being. I have both my light & dark sides, everyone does. Find the right balance & you find what is important in life. Life is a constant struggle between bliss & depression. Maybe I am really bi-polar or maybe everyone is a little bi-polar. Who doesn't have mood swings that swing you from one extreme to the other? That is the joy ride of life without it we would all be walking zombies. I am excited as to whats going on now but trust me none of this is easy for me. It's not like I just woke up one day & said I could throw a rave & wham that just happened. It's happening slowly & with each day I learn more about it. But I'm glad I've found an interest for me to put my time into. I'm glad people can appreciate my work. I also appreciate everyone who wants to work with me. Without them none of this would be happening. I can't tell you how important my close friends have become to me. I just want more people in my life like them. I want to have a relationship that means as much to me as these people do. Namely Jessie & Aaron have really helped me out a lot. They have been telling me for quite some time to get off my meds & I didn't think I could live without them. Now that I have quit taking them I am so much more alive then before. I actually care about things & people. Jessie has been a big inspiration to me & has been my friend through my best & worst times, that means a lot to me. Her boyfriend Aaron that I have not known as long is also very inspiring & a very good real person with a wealth of good advice. I think they are one of the best couples I have ever met, they really support one another. I want to find someone who will really be there for me like that. I am tired of meaningless relationships that are based mainly on sex & not on mutual respect. People just hook up with each other because they are lonely & horny.. that should not be a reason to get together. It never works out in the end. I think you have to be best friends first & really care about one another. I think that's been lacking in my life mostly due to the fact that I found it hard to have any respect for myself, so other people had no respect for me either. I have also had a false sense of pride before & that can't last either. The truth is I needed to come out of the shell I have been living in since being an abused child. I need to find my own strength & get over the hurt from the past. Nothing will ever heal my wounds except facing my fears & learning to do things right. Sure, I'm make a ton of mistakes but I've grown from the experience. I feel raw & hurt but progressing. There is nothing I can't achieve & I prove that to myself over & over again as I do things like organize these raves. I've put so much of my soul into this how could it not succeed? If people pour their life's blood into something it has to work. This is what passion is all about. I get connected again & again everyday from the most creative people who want to help me with my parties. This is really great for a guy that had birthday parties when he was a kid that nobody bothered to show up to. I was so painfully shy most of my life, it is hard to get past it. I remember when I was about 12 my parents threw this "Breakin' Birthday" party for me where they hired break dancers to show up to dance at my party. I was the only kid there with no one from my school who showed up. Things like that really hurt me. Also when I was about 15 my parents rented a space with a DJ & also nobody from my high school showed up. The only time I started to have friends was by going to One Step Beyond when I turned 16. It was my first exposure to the whole Goth thing & it was the first thing that started bringing me out of my closed off shell. Somehow around this time I got exposed to The Cure & that changed my life forever. Here was this guy who I knew was straight & had a wife, yet he was creative, feminine & wore make-up.. I loved the music & the lyrics to all the songs. I became so obsessed with Robert Smith that my entire room became a shrine to The Cure. I had every poster & magazine article you could find about them postered to my walls. I studied The Cure videos for hours to learn to dance just like Robert Smith. I used to dress like him, do my hair & make-up like him.. everything I was totally obsessed. I used to go to One Step Beyond & they would play a Cure song & I would just disappear into a whole different reality where I became one with my idol. People made fun of me for copying Robert Smith so much but I also started making friend with other freaky kids in make-up. It was so much fun for me. I wore my mothers lip stick on the first real date I ever had. My mother was in shock when she saw me but I didn't let that stop me. I guess the desire to wear make-up goes back to when I was growing up & my mom would paint my face every Halloween or doing something else really crazy. I remember dressing as a wolf-man with real fur on my face one year & the year that changed my life forever was when I dressed as a female Playboy bunny with garder-belts & fishnet stockings.. suddenly when I put on those outfits I wasn't shy anymore & everyone seemed to suddenly give me all the attention I had been craving for so long. Also another one of my early cross-dressing experiences was when my lesbian step-sister Tracy took me to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I absolutely loved it. Wearing make-up & being creative is a part of my soul. It is sad for me when I feel like I can't do that anymore. It is such an expression of who I am as a person. I have been conflicted at times because of the fact people think because you are creative or wear make-up that you are gay. That is the problem I had when I first started going to raves. I wanted to still dress in make-up & do it in a ravey way but all the females rejected me thinking I was gay. I put my make-up in the closet after that & tried to put on an act to get girls which was never really me. I was just lonely & wanted to be with these beautiful girls. All of this is a really long story & I could go on for pages & pages about it but I'm getting tired of living in the past right now. I am determined to get to the roots of my soul & combine the best elements from both lifestyles because I have learned more from these groups than anything else in my life. I will continue to expand my awareness & find my missing parts & put them all together..

FUCK!!
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
Fuck I think I am fucking crazy. I think I believed in a total fantasy. I believed this guy stole money from me & totally ripped me off & told all these people about it. Now I don't know if it were true & I think I may have made up the whole story in my head. I think I'm fucking crazy. I think I am extremely paranoid. I think I make up stories about people all the time that aren't true. I think I live in a fantasy land of my own delusion. How can I exist in this world like this? God I am so fucking insane. I feel like fucking vomiting blood right now. I feel so fucking horrible my skin is crawling. My heart is pounding in my chest. I feel so fucking stupid. Here I was thinking I could put on raves & do all this shit. The only thing I've done is convince a lot of people I'm a fucking paranoid delusional person. I am. I spent days crying over this & feeling suicidal & used. This is fucking crazy. I'm fucking mentally unbalanced. I isolated myself further from everyone instead of bringing to myself the happiness I was seeking. God my van doesn't work. I spent this morning in jail. My life is lonely & full of fucking pain. I want to fucking die. I can't fucking take this anymore. I just keep trying to be a normal person & all I do is convince everyone around me how fucking insane I am. I can't be normal. Why am I fucking writing this crap? What good does it do me? God I just want to fucking die. I want to fucking crawl into a hole & just fucking lay down & fucking die. I can't fucking take this anymore. I'm fucking nuts & I know it. I can never have fun in my life or good relationships.. no one cares about me except for my friends Jessie & Aaron. I don't know how they tolerate me. I don't know how to tolerate myself. I keep wanting friends & people to care for me but it never happens. No one cares. Well people care but I can't explain this well. Nobody wants a crazy person around. I can't stand myself anymore. I can't stand being alone another day. I can't tolerate all the paranoid delusions I tell myself. Jesus how can I stand another day on this planet. Everytime I think I've gotten somewhere I realize it is all a delusion. I'm getting no where. I'm going no where. I have no life. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I so broken down? Why does my body & brain hurt so much? Every part of me hurts. My feet are all tore up from walking everywhere. I feel so fucking sick. I'm a fucking mess. I wrote a love letter to a girl today that is probably just going to think I'm crazy too. I am fucking crazy. I admit it. I am lonely, crazy, insane.. I want to end this suffering so badly. The only reason I don't just fucking kill myself now is because I would hurt the few friends I do have. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate being a fucking nut job. I want a real life, I want out of this hell.. This can't go on anymore.

I just got out of jail..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
I was woken up this morning by the police. They found me sleeping in my van. I had a warrant out for my arrest from Berkeley for Tree-sitting a few years ago. This is fucking ridiculous. I have to go to court next month in Berkeley. They let me go, I was lucky. Fuck I feel so fucking raw right now. Everything is so different since I went off those damn psyche meds. Now I actually want to interact with the world & am not living in some shell. God, it's fucking scary though I am not used to all of this it is so overwhelming sometimes. Also life is more fulfilling. I am making bonds with people that I couldn't have done in the past. I am filling up the lonely hole of a life I had before. I was in such a dark space. I am finally coming out into the light. It is like using a muscle you haven't stretched in a long time. This is definitely taking some practice but it feels good. To actually feel anything is so new. I feel like I've just been born or something. I feel fucking panicky but the feelings are real. I feel like I have been in a cave for so long. I have also found my passion & that is for throwing & putting together raves. I want to get really good at it. I am building bonds between people through this experience. I am learning a lot about myself & other people. I finally feel like I have a voice & a purpose. I want to unify good people together & really build a community based upon the principals of love & mutual respect for one another. My greatest desire is to build a solid foundation of people who come together for the right reasons. I want a real artist space where we can all learn from one another. Everyone is special in their own way. You can find the inner beauty in people & bring it out of them. Every man & every woman is a star! I feel like I'm really beginning to understand the principles set down by The Book of the Law & putting them into action. Love is the law, love under will. The will is the hard part. Sometimes will takes a lot of courage & getting past your fears. Pushing past these obsticals makes it all worthwhile though in the end. I can't quit learning & growing at this point. Every day brings a new experience into my life. I open myself to the beauty of the universe. I open myself to the principles which will expand my awareness & make me a better person. Want to come along?

Well this is a very exciting & scary time for me..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
I'm finally out of my prison I have been living in so long. I was isolated & living in my own private void world now I'm coming out. Having gone off these meds I am finally waking up to reality again. I have been so asleep for so long. I had no friends & no life. Now I am beginning to make contacts with people & figure out how asleep I've been. I have been totally dead now I am beginning to come alive. I want to have friends I want to have a life beyond this sick void place I've been in. I can't stand being dead anymore. Everything is scary to me & it takes a lot of effort to actually open up & talk to people. I can't be alone anymore. I can live in a shell anymore. Every passing day gets better. I don't feel like my life is hopeless anymore. I feel like I am begining to make a real difference in the world I live in. I will continue to throw parties in the future & bring people together. This has always been my intention. I needed to branch out & meet people. I am doing it although it is so hard for me. It feels like other times in my life where I have overcome shyness. I am so insecure & shy & never know what to say to people now I am finding my voice. I feel the flight or fight & I keep fighting.. I am sore & tired. I am feeling insane sometimes. But I can never go back to the pit of darkness I just left. I will grow & make a better life for myself. This is the only thing that matters to me. I want good people in my life. I want worthwhile friends & I am finding them now. I will write more about this later.

I need to calm down..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
I need to realize there are good people in the world. I need to realize that I can make a difference. I have to realize so much. I made people happy & that makes me happy. I did actually achieve one of my goals. I have made an impact on "the scene". I have influenced young people in a positive way. Why is this so fucking hard? Why does having people jack you over feel so fucking bad? I thought I was becoming a part of something. Instead I am the laughing stock. I need to find a way to get over it. I need to let go of the people that hurt me so badly. Why should I allow bad people to influence me? Why should I allow evil into my life? This is fucking hard. Dealing with emotions is hard. The fact that evil exists in the world is hard. Trying to do something good & being cut down for it is so hard. I need to fucking do something positive. Stay positive. I need to believe in myself more. I need to put faith into my friends more who I know I can trust. This is my therapy. This is the way I release the pain I feel. I am not an idiot. I am just an honest caring person. Honesty is hardly respected. Being real is not appreciated. Being real can be full of pain. Being real can make you want to lay down & die. Sickening things happen. Terrible circumstances happen. This is all a fucking joke. Why can't all people be good? Why can't we trust people we meet? Why do people screw each other over? What satisfaction can you get from causing suffering to others? How can you rape people & go on living with yourself? Why can't I trust people? Why is it I can only trust certain people? Please someone explain to me how people can do the evil things they do. Hurting other people is so evil. Hurting others for your own pleasure is sick. The fact this can exist within a scene that is supposed to be about helping others & having a good time is beyond me. I just need to work this out in my head. I need to feel right about it. I need to do something to keep the evil away from me. I need to prevent evil from happening to me. Go ahead make fun of me I don't care. Those that make fun of other people are fucked up inside. There is something seriously wrong with people that have no remorse. What can you do about it? Stick with the true souls & learn to spot who they are. Truth is what prevails over lies in the end. Feel the power of goodness & let it take away all traces of pain. Goodness is strength. Knowing your an upright person knowing that you can achieve anything you want is power. Finding the lost souls is the best thing to do. Collecting together the real people & forming community is the best defense. I don't know of what else to do. Please open yourself to your true self. Find it in your heart to believe in the power of goodness you have inside you. The goodness will make the pain disappear. The truth shall set you free. Believe in that power of goodness within yourself. Believe you have to power to influence the world with it. Goodness has more power than lies do. You are the solution to your problems. Doing things the right way will help you. Belief in something beyond yourself is helpful. The God within will help you overcome the devil. The devil has no power to comsume God power.

God I'm really suffering..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
I feel in a pit of despair. I don't see any way out of it. I want to die so badly right now. If I had an easy way of ending my life I would right now. I feel like I have nothing to live for. I feel like I am completely fucked in the head. I have no idea why life is so hard for me. I have no idea why I can't get along. I am such a fucking mess right now. I have no strength to go on. This is insanity. Fuck this is pain beyond belief. I am in a state of fucking pain. I know no one cares about me. I know I have no reason to go on anymore. I just am living a fucking lie. I can't make my life work. I can't find a solution to my problems. I grow more & more fucked up everyday. I am going down. I am going down. There is so much pain all around me. I feel the walls closing in. I feel pressure on my chest. I am lost. Life has no meaning for me anymore. I have no reason to go on. I can't talk to anyone about this. I can't relate the way I feel to anyone. Fuck this shit! Fuck my life. I am crazy. I have nothing & no one. People use me & throw me away. I have no purpose. God doesn't exist or care. Life is just a meaningless void. FUCK! No one cares. I can't let anyone in. I am scared of everyone. I am in constant panic mode. I want to swallow pills & fall asleep forever. Nobody cares. No one understands the level of my pain. Go away. RUN! Danger to myself. Danger to myself. Danger to others. You look fucking insane. You look like an idiot. You have no one & you can't let anyone in. Nobody cares. There is no escape from this maddness. I am a pain magnet. I can't connect to anyone. I am alone in my hell. I am so fucking alone. In my world no one exsists. I thought I was doing something. I thought I was a success at one thing. I'm not. I thought I could do something. I couldn't. God the pain is overwhelming. All I wanted to do was fit in & be liked. I was used & abused for that. I just wanted some friends & someone to like me. I wanted to be appreciated. I wanted to feel like I could do something useful. I can't. I can't do anything useful. Nobody wants me in their world. I don't fit in anywhere. I have no love even from my family. Everyone runs away from me. I am a walking disease. I have no reason to go on anymore. I have to find a way to end my life, there is no other way. I am a miserable failer at everything. Miserable. I can't even express the word enough. I am miserable beyond misery. All I can do is breathe in pain. All I can do is feel suffering in my heart. I am such a fucked up person. So fucking fucked. I need to find the end to my suffering. I need to end it any way I can. Maybe the next world will be more kind to me if there even is one. I hope there isn't. I hope I just drop off dead & go away somewhere to the end of nothingness. Who wants to exsist in this world of pain? I can't bare it anymore. I am stupid beyond belief. I am the laughing stock of so many people. I was raped by them & they have no remorse. I am dead to them. I never exsisted in their world. I had no place there. I wonder if I take a bottle of Seroquel I could die from it? I don't know. I just want an easy way to end my life. I want to just disappear from this world. I think how lucky the dead people are. I won't be remembered like they are. Maybe by a select few. Hardly anyone will weep for me when I'm gone. God doesn't care about me. There is no Jesus or anything to believe in. Magick has failed me. There is nothing that gives me peace. There is nothing that can help me. Words can't express the amount of suffering I feel. I am so fucking upset. I am so fucking terribly unhappy. I have no reason to go on. I have no hopes dreams or wishes. All my hopes turn into wasted nothing. All my dreams are shattered. No one wants me here. God this hurts. Everything hurts so bad, I can barely breathe I hurt so much. I can't move. I can't fucking believe this shit. PAIN! That is all I feel now. Pain neverending pain.. Take away the psyche meds & you find what really lies underneigh. The pain of countless years of wasted life & shattered dreams. The empty hollow shell of what was once a person. I have no personality. I have no strength I have no will power. I am going to die. I am going to find a way to end this. I can't hold on anymore. People are evil, the world is corrupt. People don't care. I have no place in this world. I have no meaning to my exsistance. Someone just make it all disappear. There is no hope for me. I am not a part of anything. No one respects me. Someone let me out of this. Someone help me to escape this world. I need to find my exit door. I need to find a way to go out of this world. I find no peace here, no love in this system. I was trying so hard to create a better world but it never happened. People constantly rejected me. People have always stepped on me. I have only been happy 2 times in my life. Once with Marin & once with Sabrina both of them are so far away. Sabrina is dead of cancer. I think I should follow her into the after world. Will they have a shrine for me at The Box when I'm gone? I don't think so. Why do people that are loved & apprecated have to die why the ones who suffer in loneliness never get to die? I will be lost & forgotten like my father. No one remembers Merrill Oathes do they? I will be lost in history like he was. I will be forgotten. No one will ever speak my name & I can go away to the world of everlasting peace. I don't remember this life fondly at all. All it's been is pain & shame. I have never truely been happy. I have never known a day of happiness. So much pain. So much I just can't bare it anymore. Please allow me the strength to carry out my plan for suicide. I'm not sure I can manage to do it but I know I can't manage to not do it either.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
I'm so fucking stupid & fucking crazy!! I can't live like this anymore. I want to fucking die. How is it I can't figure out a single thing? I am blind. I am pathetic. I am evil. I don't know what I'm doing. I use people & fuck them over. I don't know how to do anything right. I am a monster. I am fucking stupid. I am going to hell. I am in hell. What have I done to deserve this? I can't stand my life. I am fucking stupid. I am fucking retarded. I have nothing & no one. Help me! I can't take this. I am fucking falling fast. I can't be this person anymore. I can't live this life anymore. I want to fucking go kill myself. I want to fucking die. I can't handle life. I can't do anything right. I am a total fuck-up. I live in a fantasy world that is hellish & scary. How can I not understand how fucked up I am? No one cares about me. My world is meaningless crap. I am guilty of being the worlds worst person on the planet. I should just fucking give up now. I should just lay down & fucking die. I don't know how to do anything. I am a waste of flesh. I am fucking terrible & nobody wants me here. Please let me die. I am not able to handle this anymore. I want to fucking commit suicide now. I can't live with myself anymore. I am fucking evil. I am fucking selfish. Everyone is laughing at me. Everyone just wants to get rid of me. They know I'm fucking insane. They know I can't handle life. Why do you want to live? Why am I fucking here? Please someone take away this suffering. I swear I am going to find a way today to just end it all. I want to end my life. I want to fucking die. I am not worthy of living. Not even my own family excepts me. Nobody wants to be a part of my life. They are all pointing at me & laughing. I can't handle this anymore. I am going down. I am fucking going to end it somehow. I am just going to fucking go off the deep end. Nobody loves you it's true. Nobody loves you not like I do. Go away! Go away! Someone stop my mind from working. Someone stop me from feeling like such a fool. God I fuck people over everywhere. I am being fucked right now. I am going to scream. I am going insane. Someone help me. I need to find a way out of this. Going to hospital they are just going to put me back on those mind numbing pills. They are just going to numb me out again. I can't stand that! I don't want that! I want a release from this pain now. I want to fucking just end it all. What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is happening to me? I am going to fucking start killing people. I want to kill myself. I am not worthy of life. I have no reason to go on living. I have no reason to breath anymore.

Something Wicked..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
Well I had my event. Unfortunately I let the wrong people be in charge of things they shouldn't. I let people walk all over me & steal my money. Everything I'm going through is a learning experience right now. I have become extremely emotional since I quit taking my medications. I also realize I have been living in a shell for a few years now. I feel exposed & naked & raw. I feel so used right now & stupid. I actually let someone steal my idea for a rave & completely rape me & take advantage of me. I allowed it to happen. I was robbed blind & did nothing to stop it. I feel like a weak person. I feel like I have no back bone or any intelligence. I feel hopeless & depressed but I also feel this is all temporary. I feel like I'm changing. I have been hidden so long & a part of me really wants to come out. I want to find my place in this world & my main purpose. I have lived in a shallow shell & have let my skills as a human being atrophy. I can barely speak two words without so much emotion & fear. I want to reach out to people now but it is so difficult & I feel so rusty & unskilled. Like anything I guess it takes practice. One small step at a time. Part of my evolution is doing things like throwing raves. Sure I admit I was totally unskilled with it the last time & I let someone else run everything & in the end they took all the money they said they would give me. I thought this person was my friend & could be trusted but this person was never my friend & just saw an opportunity to totally rape someone & get away with it. I like a fool allowed this to happen to me. I like a fool had no business sense at all & just let someone take over all the work I should have been doing. If you do things like that people are going to walk all over you & laugh about it & move on. They feel justified because you act so stupidly. I admit I had no idea how to run a rave the right way. I had an amazing idea for a party & I let someone take that from me. I can learn from this experience & realize the right way to do things in the future. I just hope I have the ability & strength to do it. I feel so scared. I feel so helpless & alone. I know I'm not & that people can care about me if I let them. You have to be a friend to have friends. You have to be able to interact with human beings in order to achieve anything. If your unskilled in doing things like this you are never going to accomplish anything. That is the way I feel now. I need to learn the skills of life. I need to learn to set up boundaries too. I have to be a lot more careful about my surroundings & what I'm doing with myself. I've been living in a void. I can't go on this way. But it is so hard to feel things & have to deal with life honestly. I want friends & people in my life. I want to create a better space for myself & other people. I want to create a world of good people who honestly care about one another. I realize that I just totally suck at this. I can get better though. I am beginning to feel my way out of my box. It is so hard I can't describe how difficult it is. I feel like I need to be strong now & have some skills. It is so hard after this experience to go on. I have honestly thought about killing myself over & over again. I don't think this is what I want though. I just need to learn better social skills & begin to actually live. I have been a dead zombie for so long. I have allowed medications to control my mind & steal my soul. Now I am an empty shell feeling hollow & weak. I don't want to feel this way. I have to get past this. There are people out in the world I want to know. I want to interact with the world & drink in real life. I don't want to live this shallow hollow souless person anymore. People take advantage of you when you have no soul. People walk all over you & laugh as they do it. They have no respect for you. I'm not a bad person. I have to start believing that. I have to start putting my faith back into myself. I have a gift to give the world that comes from the authentic me. There is no other person like me & there never will be. If I'm not acting like me then who will? If I don't engage the world then how can I live in it? I have skills. I have creativity & power I just need to start believing in that. I just saw my brother the other day at the rave. He was there with his friends. We talked for a little while & he was asking me all kinds of questions about what I was doing with my life. I felt badly about it because I really didn't have any good answers to give. The truth is I've been dead. The truth is I am living like a ghost without any connection to the world that surrounds me. I think my brother even got bored with me & disinterested. He left without even saying goodbye to me. That really hurt. I haven't seen him in years & he barely talks to me & leaves without a word. I invented this rave & I wasn't actually there. My social skills are terrible right now. I talked with those people I knew well & only a few others. I should have been the life of the party. I mean it was suppose to be my party right? No I let it become Steve's party. I let him run the show & he stole my money without any regard to me. I actually just let it happen. I was on Ectasy & just allowed him to shell out a small portion of the proceeds & just accepted it after we had agreed to a 50% partnership. I was too fucking high to realize I was being ripped off. I was blind & stupid. I shouldn't have handled things that way. Honestly it was Steve's party. He ran everything & was in control of everything. He wasn't stupid & out of his mind like I was. He used his brain & ran things the way they should have been run. I didn't do anything to stop him. I let myself be taken advantage of without a second thought about it. If I'm going to run raves I need to be in control & do things the right way. I totally gave away my power & was burned for it. I was a weak person with no back bone or intelligence. How could I allow myself to act like this? Why do I allow myself to do these things? Why is it I take no responsibility for myself or my life? How can a person live like this? How can I face myself in the mirror? How can I bare to live like this? I don't want this to go on. I want to grow from my experiences & build a better life for myself. I want to find friends who will accept me in their world. I want to quit being such a fucking pussy nothing. I want to quit beating myself over the head for my past mistakes & just learn from them & move on. There has to be a better world for me to live in. I have to create this space. I have to find other people who feel the way I do. I need to gain strength from myself & not lean on other people for support. I need to learn skills that will help me achieve my goals. I want to quit living in the dark & move into the light. I want my dreams to become a reality. I am tired of just passing through each day like a shadow. I need to do something with myself. I need to find my passion & do something about it. I need to quit letting other people tell me what to do. I need my own life. I need to learn to do things for myself. I want respect & admiration not people raping me for all I'm worth. I am tired of being taken advantage of. I am tired of not really having a life. I want to begin to really live. I have to really begin to work on it. I have to find a way out of my prison. I have built up walls of protection that don't actually protect me. I have built up barriers of fear surrounding me. I live in a world afraid of my own shadow. I can't do this anymore. If I can't learn to live I might as well be dead. What is the point to life if you can't live your life? What is the point of being in the world when your all alone & sad. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to be forgotten as a nobody. I can't allow this to be. I can't allow myself to go on this way. I need to change. I need to work on it daily. I need to take chances & risks. I need to follow my dreams, if I don't I'm going to die. If I don't I'm a living dead person anyway. God I feel horrible & I want to change it. Release me from this painful prison. I need to escape now!! I need to get the fuck out of this shell & into my life. I am going to commit suicide any day if I don't. I am dead now. I need to get out of this hell. I need to escape all the pain & find the pleasure in my world. I can do it. I just need to believe I can. I need to put the strength back into my soul. I need to believe I am a worthwhile person. I need to believe I am likable. I need to believe I am worthy of doing things. I need to get up off my ass & really start to engage life. I am letting the world pass me by as a scared lonely nothing. I am letting other people steal whatever strength I have from me. I give away my power & my soul. If I don't quit doing that I can't live anymore. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to take the easy way out. I don't want to die & deny myself the pleasure of finding my soul. If I die I would just be a wondering ghost in constant pain unable to fufil the life he left behind. I don't want that to happen. I want to work on getting together another rave & this time I am going to use my head. I am going to make connections to real people. I am not going to get taken advantage of again. I am going to put the work into it I need to. I will see my efforts pay off if I use my brain & learn from Steve even though he raped me. I let it happen. I am just as much to blame as he is. I would never do what he did to anybody. I am not the same type of person. I am not a cut throat that finds satisfaction in getting large amounts of money. I realize I need money to live the life I want though. I can use my skills to find money. I am a long time raver & goth. I need to use my experience to build a better life. I have built my skills around diffrent social scenes but I find now that I am apart from them. I need to search in my soul where I left those people behind & build strengh from them. I am not a conventional person & can not do life conventionally. I need to find my skills & use them. I can create great raves I have the skills. I just need to find those skills & use them to my advantage. I need to find the business sense to my previous experiences in life. I need to use what I know best & build a business based upon that. If I know anything it's goth clubs & raves. That is where I spent all my time growing up. Who says you can't make money from something you know well & love. I have the mind to create amazing parties. I don't have the skills to run parties because I haven't learned the skills but now I am. Even though I got ripped off last time I learned what I need to do to make a successful party happen. I got burned once but I won't allow that to happen again. This is my education. This is how I will build a better future. I need to let go of the fear that I don't have the skills & acquire them. I have the motivation & I am inspiring other people to want to come together under my supervision. I have the past knowledge of the scene & I just need to begin to put two & two together. I can do it. I need to find that motivation & just do it. If I want a better world to live in I need to go out there & make it. If I don't nobody else will & I will be living in their world not my own. I'm glad I could write this all out & get it on paper & out of my head. I need this to think sometimes. It really helps me to write about my feelings. Feelings are not a bad thing they are a good thing & need to be embraced. Without feelings you are a mindless zombie. I don't want to mindless or soul less there is more to life. I just need to reach out & grab it. Get involved in my world & take the risks it takes to really live. There is no time like to present to really begin to live & love life. I want to go on living & really begin to live. This is my future & my world. There is nothing holding me back from success except me.

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