An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

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I need to calm down..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
I need to realize there are good people in the world. I need to realize that I can make a difference. I have to realize so much. I made people happy & that makes me happy. I did actually achieve one of my goals. I have made an impact on "the scene". I have influenced young people in a positive way. Why is this so fucking hard? Why does having people jack you over feel so fucking bad? I thought I was becoming a part of something. Instead I am the laughing stock. I need to find a way to get over it. I need to let go of the people that hurt me so badly. Why should I allow bad people to influence me? Why should I allow evil into my life? This is fucking hard. Dealing with emotions is hard. The fact that evil exists in the world is hard. Trying to do something good & being cut down for it is so hard. I need to fucking do something positive. Stay positive. I need to believe in myself more. I need to put faith into my friends more who I know I can trust. This is my therapy. This is the way I release the pain I feel. I am not an idiot. I am just an honest caring person. Honesty is hardly respected. Being real is not appreciated. Being real can be full of pain. Being real can make you want to lay down & die. Sickening things happen. Terrible circumstances happen. This is all a fucking joke. Why can't all people be good? Why can't we trust people we meet? Why do people screw each other over? What satisfaction can you get from causing suffering to others? How can you rape people & go on living with yourself? Why can't I trust people? Why is it I can only trust certain people? Please someone explain to me how people can do the evil things they do. Hurting other people is so evil. Hurting others for your own pleasure is sick. The fact this can exist within a scene that is supposed to be about helping others & having a good time is beyond me. I just need to work this out in my head. I need to feel right about it. I need to do something to keep the evil away from me. I need to prevent evil from happening to me. Go ahead make fun of me I don't care. Those that make fun of other people are fucked up inside. There is something seriously wrong with people that have no remorse. What can you do about it? Stick with the true souls & learn to spot who they are. Truth is what prevails over lies in the end. Feel the power of goodness & let it take away all traces of pain. Goodness is strength. Knowing your an upright person knowing that you can achieve anything you want is power. Finding the lost souls is the best thing to do. Collecting together the real people & forming community is the best defense. I don't know of what else to do. Please open yourself to your true self. Find it in your heart to believe in the power of goodness you have inside you. The goodness will make the pain disappear. The truth shall set you free. Believe in that power of goodness within yourself. Believe you have to power to influence the world with it. Goodness has more power than lies do. You are the solution to your problems. Doing things the right way will help you. Belief in something beyond yourself is helpful. The God within will help you overcome the devil. The devil has no power to comsume God power.


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