An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend


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FUCK!!
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
Fuck I think I am fucking crazy. I think I believed in a total fantasy. I believed this guy stole money from me & totally ripped me off & told all these people about it. Now I don't know if it were true & I think I may have made up the whole story in my head. I think I'm fucking crazy. I think I am extremely paranoid. I think I make up stories about people all the time that aren't true. I think I live in a fantasy land of my own delusion. How can I exist in this world like this? God I am so fucking insane. I feel like fucking vomiting blood right now. I feel so fucking horrible my skin is crawling. My heart is pounding in my chest. I feel so fucking stupid. Here I was thinking I could put on raves & do all this shit. The only thing I've done is convince a lot of people I'm a fucking paranoid delusional person. I am. I spent days crying over this & feeling suicidal & used. This is fucking crazy. I'm fucking mentally unbalanced. I isolated myself further from everyone instead of bringing to myself the happiness I was seeking. God my van doesn't work. I spent this morning in jail. My life is lonely & full of fucking pain. I want to fucking die. I can't fucking take this anymore. I just keep trying to be a normal person & all I do is convince everyone around me how fucking insane I am. I can't be normal. Why am I fucking writing this crap? What good does it do me? God I just want to fucking die. I want to fucking crawl into a hole & just fucking lay down & fucking die. I can't fucking take this anymore. I'm fucking nuts & I know it. I can never have fun in my life or good relationships.. no one cares about me except for my friends Jessie & Aaron. I don't know how they tolerate me. I don't know how to tolerate myself. I keep wanting friends & people to care for me but it never happens. No one cares. Well people care but I can't explain this well. Nobody wants a crazy person around. I can't stand myself anymore. I can't stand being alone another day. I can't tolerate all the paranoid delusions I tell myself. Jesus how can I stand another day on this planet. Everytime I think I've gotten somewhere I realize it is all a delusion. I'm getting no where. I'm going no where. I have no life. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I so broken down? Why does my body & brain hurt so much? Every part of me hurts. My feet are all tore up from walking everywhere. I feel so fucking sick. I'm a fucking mess. I wrote a love letter to a girl today that is probably just going to think I'm crazy too. I am fucking crazy. I admit it. I am lonely, crazy, insane.. I want to end this suffering so badly. The only reason I don't just fucking kill myself now is because I would hurt the few friends I do have. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate being a fucking nut job. I want a real life, I want out of this hell.. This can't go on anymore.

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(Deleted comment)
SEXY?! your too funny!

(Deleted comment)
Well honestly this was so LAST WEEK! Get my meaning? Maybe not.. but I change rapidly. I go from one extreme to another. See last week I was ultra depressed feeling sorry for myself now I am ultra happy & thinking I am the kind of the world. I got my business started & I actually think I'm going places.. hey, it could be my complete delusion but I like it! I am proud of what I'm doing with myself right now. I have achieved a lot in a small space of time. I am going to become the best rave promoter this world has ever seen. I don't want to be anything average. I am way too creative for that. I have dreams, aspirations, etc. The only think I see of you is some sexy mouth & a few words of inspiration.. those things are great but if you really want to get to know me I desire a lot more. I desire real people people in my life. I desire true connections with true people. The internet is so false. You can only learn so much about anyone on the net. I write all these things out because they are therapy to me. Sure, I desire a hot live person in my arms but where exactly is that going to come from? I am more than willing to get to know someone online but there is only so much you can tell.. words can deceive.. I feel I'm moving out of a very dark phase of my life & moving into something new. I want this. Hey you never know I might want you too but there is only one way to tell.. I don't want to play pretend.. I want to play, real life.. your flirtations are charming I admit but what do they really mean?

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