An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend


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So much is changing for me..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
So much is changing for me. I hardly know where to begin to describe it all. First of all I have been working very hard to be making these rave parties happen. It's hard to believe it's me doing these things. I didn't realize how much work it was going to be but it's worth it. From this experience I have begun to crawl out from my dark hole. I have been hiding for so long & feeling like such hell for so long. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to be confident & have a lot of friends. I want to be popular & happy. Not fake popular but popular because people actually like me for who I am. I've had all this creativity bottled up for so long & now it's all spilling out of me. Now I'm begining to put all these people together & having them work under my artistic direction. It feels fucking great. Everyday things get easier & better. I am trading in my shyness & insecurity for a more dynamic exciting person that has been there all the time hidden away & too scared to come out. I guess you can blame my up bringing & a whole lot of things but it's high time I quit playing the victim & start doing things for myself. Also a large part of what I'm learning is that you can't do everything on your own. You need other people in your life. You can't just spend all your life alone & by yourself. That isn't healthy. I feel socially retarded sometimes but I am trying to push past that. I keep being more & more amazed at what I am actually doing. It's more than just about making money or something like that. Sure, doing something I love & making money would be really good. Not only do I want this for myself but for everyone I know. Why should anyone be poor & unhappy? I don't think that should happen to anyone. I've allowed it to be my way of life for so long now that I hardly know how to change it. It's hard for me to believe that I have the talent it takes to do something different. I am discovering that I just have never found my passion before & without that your practically dead esp. an artistic person like me. Without an outlet for my creativity I turn it inward & start to lose my mind. I've been pretty crazy before & I don't plan on going back there. I want to keep achieving my goals & actually believing in my own abilities to make my dreams a reality.

Doing things like putting on raves has actually changed my personality a lot. Before I was always avoiding people now I am trying to invite them all in. Despite my fears & insecurities I am pushing past that programing & doing something amazing. Now I actually pay attention to people and am seeing the beauty in each person. I think I have a long way to go but I'm on the right road. I've made a lot of social faux pas but it is a part of this growth period in my life. Things will only get better from here. I have every confidence that my dream to become a rave promoter is actually coming into fruition. I have every confidence that I could learn to do this really well & be very happy doing it. Just like any new skill it takes time to learn. I shouldn't have expected success with my first couple tries. The fact is they were successes & I haven't lost a thing. I have realized how in the future I will do things differently but that is different from failure. With my last party I actually achieved my goal which was to bridge the gap between ravers & goths. Why am I even interested in doing something like that? Because they have both scenes have been an essential part of my growth as a human being. I have both my light & dark sides, everyone does. Find the right balance & you find what is important in life. Life is a constant struggle between bliss & depression. Maybe I am really bi-polar or maybe everyone is a little bi-polar. Who doesn't have mood swings that swing you from one extreme to the other? That is the joy ride of life without it we would all be walking zombies. I am excited as to whats going on now but trust me none of this is easy for me. It's not like I just woke up one day & said I could throw a rave & wham that just happened. It's happening slowly & with each day I learn more about it. But I'm glad I've found an interest for me to put my time into. I'm glad people can appreciate my work. I also appreciate everyone who wants to work with me. Without them none of this would be happening. I can't tell you how important my close friends have become to me. I just want more people in my life like them. I want to have a relationship that means as much to me as these people do. Namely Jessie & Aaron have really helped me out a lot. They have been telling me for quite some time to get off my meds & I didn't think I could live without them. Now that I have quit taking them I am so much more alive then before. I actually care about things & people. Jessie has been a big inspiration to me & has been my friend through my best & worst times, that means a lot to me. Her boyfriend Aaron that I have not known as long is also very inspiring & a very good real person with a wealth of good advice. I think they are one of the best couples I have ever met, they really support one another. I want to find someone who will really be there for me like that. I am tired of meaningless relationships that are based mainly on sex & not on mutual respect. People just hook up with each other because they are lonely & horny.. that should not be a reason to get together. It never works out in the end. I think you have to be best friends first & really care about one another. I think that's been lacking in my life mostly due to the fact that I found it hard to have any respect for myself, so other people had no respect for me either. I have also had a false sense of pride before & that can't last either. The truth is I needed to come out of the shell I have been living in since being an abused child. I need to find my own strength & get over the hurt from the past. Nothing will ever heal my wounds except facing my fears & learning to do things right. Sure, I'm make a ton of mistakes but I've grown from the experience. I feel raw & hurt but progressing. There is nothing I can't achieve & I prove that to myself over & over again as I do things like organize these raves. I've put so much of my soul into this how could it not succeed? If people pour their life's blood into something it has to work. This is what passion is all about. I get connected again & again everyday from the most creative people who want to help me with my parties. This is really great for a guy that had birthday parties when he was a kid that nobody bothered to show up to. I was so painfully shy most of my life, it is hard to get past it. I remember when I was about 12 my parents threw this "Breakin' Birthday" party for me where they hired break dancers to show up to dance at my party. I was the only kid there with no one from my school who showed up. Things like that really hurt me. Also when I was about 15 my parents rented a space with a DJ & also nobody from my high school showed up. The only time I started to have friends was by going to One Step Beyond when I turned 16. It was my first exposure to the whole Goth thing & it was the first thing that started bringing me out of my closed off shell. Somehow around this time I got exposed to The Cure & that changed my life forever. Here was this guy who I knew was straight & had a wife, yet he was creative, feminine & wore make-up.. I loved the music & the lyrics to all the songs. I became so obsessed with Robert Smith that my entire room became a shrine to The Cure. I had every poster & magazine article you could find about them postered to my walls. I studied The Cure videos for hours to learn to dance just like Robert Smith. I used to dress like him, do my hair & make-up like him.. everything I was totally obsessed. I used to go to One Step Beyond & they would play a Cure song & I would just disappear into a whole different reality where I became one with my idol. People made fun of me for copying Robert Smith so much but I also started making friend with other freaky kids in make-up. It was so much fun for me. I wore my mothers lip stick on the first real date I ever had. My mother was in shock when she saw me but I didn't let that stop me. I guess the desire to wear make-up goes back to when I was growing up & my mom would paint my face every Halloween or doing something else really crazy. I remember dressing as a wolf-man with real fur on my face one year & the year that changed my life forever was when I dressed as a female Playboy bunny with garder-belts & fishnet stockings.. suddenly when I put on those outfits I wasn't shy anymore & everyone seemed to suddenly give me all the attention I had been craving for so long. Also another one of my early cross-dressing experiences was when my lesbian step-sister Tracy took me to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I absolutely loved it. Wearing make-up & being creative is a part of my soul. It is sad for me when I feel like I can't do that anymore. It is such an expression of who I am as a person. I have been conflicted at times because of the fact people think because you are creative or wear make-up that you are gay. That is the problem I had when I first started going to raves. I wanted to still dress in make-up & do it in a ravey way but all the females rejected me thinking I was gay. I put my make-up in the closet after that & tried to put on an act to get girls which was never really me. I was just lonely & wanted to be with these beautiful girls. All of this is a really long story & I could go on for pages & pages about it but I'm getting tired of living in the past right now. I am determined to get to the roots of my soul & combine the best elements from both lifestyles because I have learned more from these groups than anything else in my life. I will continue to expand my awareness & find my missing parts & put them all together..

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