An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend


Why are people so stupid?
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
Forgive me lord for not believing in you. Forgive me for thinking all of religion is all just a bunch of bullcrap. Forgive me for using my brain & figuring out all the lies that have been fed to me from all the wrong people. Forgive me for questioning what people tell me about you. Forgive me for knowing the fact that Jesus never existed & was made-up by someone to control the masses. Forgive me for not having any faith in lies. Forgive me for having a brain & actually being able to use it. Forgive me for not being a sheep & going along with the herd. Dear Jesus forgive me for knowing that you never died for my sins & you never actually were a person. Forgive me for hating all the idiots who idolize some false made-up bullshit. Forgive me for not believing in you or putting any faith in your teachings. Forgive me for knowing any real God would not have a million religions dividing people around the world. Forgive me for realizing the Hippocracy of all religions. Forgive me for not being able to swallow a load of bullshit. Forgive me for believing if God actually exists he is beyond all human conception of him. Forgive me for not knowing what the truth is but having a pretty good idea of what it isn't. Why do I live in a world of lies? Why do people constantly tell themselves lies to exist & find happiness. Forgive me for not being able to swallow it. All these things make me sick. I get sick when I think about the countless herd of sheeple out there who will believe about anything you feed them. Why am I so different? Why did God create me not to believe in him? It's not really God I have the problem with it's the people who profess to know something about God. How can anyone know something about a divine creator who created all things? If God created man then God also created me. Why do I choose to go against the teachings of this supposed God if he's real? Why would anyone appose God & choose to live against him? Am I really Satanic & was just born into sin or something? If God created Jesus didn't he also create the Devil & aren't they both sons of God? Why am I suppose to put faith in some guy who died on a cross to save me from sin? Why doesn't Jesus answer any of my prayers I've made to him when I was younger? Why would I lose faith in someone who's supposedly real? Why would I give my life to christ then later reject him? Why would I choose to believe in someone who gives me nothing but guilt & shame & promises I will die in eternal hell fire unless I give him absolute authority over my life or should I say the people who tell me what he was about & how to believe. I should just do whatever some Christian bastard tells me to do because he has the authority about God & knows everything that Jesus would do, right? What a bunch of bullshit. How can people honestly believe this crap? Sure, life is hard to figure out & we are all looking for answers but to believe in this bullshit is even worse than not knowing the truth. To have some false truth fed to you does not replace that fact that none of it is real. Why do people need to place their faith into something imaginary? Why do people buy it? Why are people so ignorant? Why can I exist in the same world they do? I am not an evil person that loves sin. I am a good person who enjoys doing what's right. I don't need a false God to fill up my life to make me into a good person. I don't need to be told fake lies to have morality. I don't need to be threatened with eternal hell fire to do what's right. I don't believe in God, I don't believe in the Devil, I don't believe in anyone named Jesus. There is no "J" even in the Hebrew alphabet how could there have been a Jew named Jesus who started this insane religion that has nothing to do with the man & his teachings? How is it there is no record of this man ever existing apart from the Bible that was written years after his death. How can people put so much faith in lies? Why do I even care? Why can't I just figure out what the truth actually is.. I don't want to be fed anymore lies & bullshit.. I am sick of it. I am sick of ignorant people in the world. I really wish every Christian would just fucking shoot themselves. How can they find happiness in their deceptions? How can they smile through all the lies? How can they pray daily to something that doesn't exist & never did. Who makes up all these stories? What is the purpose to control the minds of people with complete bullshit made-up stories.. I am angry about this. I am furious that this shit continues to go on in the world. I have no idea why I care but I do. I want people to wake the fuck up & find the real truth. What is beyond the lies of religion & the lies of science? Nothing makes any sense. People are willing to believe just about anything you feed them. How could they be so stupid?

Another day of this..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
Who am I? Why am I here? What is this all about? How come I can never fit in here? How come I'm always alone & afraid? How come I feel danger lurching over my shoulder? How come I can't stand the way I feel most of the time? How come I think things should be different? What is the point to all of this? Who is this person who perceives all these things? Why can't I just go out & get what I want? Why is everything so hard for me? How come I just want to scream? Why am I so bored? Where is this all taking me? Is suicide really the solution? Is there an afterlife? Why do I spend so much time thinking about the things I don't have? Why is my mind so obsessive? Where is my freedom? Where is my joy? Where can I find release from the pain? Why can't I live a life numb to anything anymore? Why can I not stand to be doped up anymore? What answers am I looking for? Why isn't anyone here for me? Why am I too shy to get what I want? Why can't I approach people? Who is this person I call me? Who brought me into this world? Why don't I believe in a God who can save me? Why don't I put any faith in what other people believe? How come I can't believe the lies? How do other people do it? How do other people operate as happy slaves? Why can't I get a fucking job or a life? Why don't I have an apartment or a real life? Who is fucking with me? What deity finds delight in my suffering? Why would I choose this way of living? Where I am supposed to go to escape this? Who are all these people constantly stealing my soul from me? Why am I so alone? Why can't I find someone to love? Why am I afraid of people so much? Why do people only let me down & hurt me? Why do I allow bad people into my life? What are bad people? Does anyone believe they are bad? I want out of this mess. I want to be released from this world of suffering. I want to be converted to a new faith which fulfills my every desire & answers my every question. I think there is no wisdom in the world. I don't think anyone has magickal answers to all of creation. I don't believe in a higher power. I don't see any point to existence. I don't see any reason to go on living in an unhappy world. I don't see a point to living in ignorance. I don't know what will make me happy. I want more people in my life but I don't know how to meet people. I don't have any respect for people & have nothing to say to them. I am arrogant & lonely. I don't fulfill my own hopes & dreams. I have no idea how to live another minute of this life. I don't know how to find happiness. I don't believe anyone can ever cure me of my unhappiness. I don't believe pills make any difference. I don't believe in medications. Putting a hold on your reality doesn't change your reality. Hiding under pills doesn't take away the underlining problem. There is no happiness in this world that doesn't go away. Everything is transitory & illusion. Sometimes I think the best people in this world commit suicide. Sometimes I think that is the only solution to an unhappy world. Sometimes I think about killing myself for hours. Someone come save me. I keep looking for a savior & finding only lies & deception. I want my own personal Jesus. I don't fucking believe in that myth. I don't believe anything the Christians have to teach. All I do is dream of a world free of religious dogma & political control. I hate the government. I hate the idiots in power. I hate the school system & the way we learn things in this country. I hate the laws that enslave me. I want out. I want something new. I want to be able to be truely free. I want to go away somewhere. I don't care where it is I just want out. I want to live again. I want to be born again. I want to die. I want to be a Phoenix fire bird & raise from the ashes of my own demise. Please someone save me from myself. I have no pity or remorse for my own person. I have no patience for my own short-givings. I have no tolerance for my own mistakes. I have regrets that I am not living close to my potential as a human being. There are a million reasons to go on living but I can't find any of them. I want to just lie down & fall into an eternal sleep. I want to be a ghost wondering the earth formless without a body. I want to wonder around without restrictions. I want infinite beauty in my world. I want magick & real living. I want sex & union. I want birth & rebirth. I am tired of this all. I want to go away. I want a new reality. I want a new religion. I want truth. I want to fall asleep. I want to goto bed. I want to pass out. I want to cease to live in this world. I want to dream about another place & never return to this drum dull reality. Help me escape. I need another world. I need to go away.. I want to disappear & reappear..

My Half/Life...
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
I spend the days recently think about things. I go down to the beach & watch the people passing me by. People with lives. I have no life to speak of & I have no people to fill it up. I watch them jealously wishing I was a part of someones world. I could so easily step into their world but I'm afraid. I am terribly shy of people. I don't know how to relate to them. I have gotten worse instead of better over the years. The main difference between the meds & now is I notice all the people around me. I feel lonely & alienated. I want desperately to go around screaming, "NOTICE ME!". I see all the beautiful people & I want to enter into their world. Maybe it's all a lie I tell myself. Maybe I really don't want to cross the border between me & them. I can't stand living alone anymore. I have to interact with people. I have to find someone to love. How can I find someone? It seems so easy but so hard. I sit there staring at them wish I could cross my line. I have boundaries all around me & walls built up of pain. I just want to feel natural & free. I want to be myself & still enter into the world of other people. I am so by myself all the time. I spend countless hours alone. I want someone in my world. I am sick of being by myself. I want a partner & someone to fill up my time & my world. How can I just stare at them when I want to know them? How can I just exist without any communication with other people or the people I really want to know? I am so scared. I feel them rejecting me. You have to risk something if your going to get anywhere, I know that but how can I? I have never been a really popular person with a ton of friends or anything. I watch people around me who seem to have no problems with it. I watch people with families & flocks of people around them & I wonder how they did it. I wonder how you get out of the world of alone & into the world of other people. I am so scared to take the risk but I can't be by myself for eternity. I am sick of my own company. All I ever do is mumble about bullshit I don't care about. I keep getting the name Jesus in my head & I don't even believe in Jesus. I have no love for that false God set up by the Christian propaganda but I will sit there & say Jesus in my head about a million times a day. It makes no sense. My brain makes no sense & my life makes no sense. I have nothing I love or want. I just go through each day doing the same thing hoping for a different result, the very definition of crazy. I hate my life but I don't know how to change it. I want to commit suicide but I am way too hopeful for a better future which I do nothing to produce. What the fuck is wrong with me? If I want to be happy all I have to do is go out & find myself a woman. Why is that so hard? I see them everyday walking all around me. I could just start speaking to them but I am afraid. I don't know what to say. I see about 20 women a day I could have a relationship with I'm pretty sure but I just pass them by. I stare at them & dream them into my world but they don't exist in reality. I'm not sure I have what it takes to maintain a relationship. I am sure I would if I found the right person. If I never take a chance on getting to know anyone how am I ever going to know? If I never come out of my shell the world will just pass me by & I will be left old & lonely. I already feel old & lonely & the days are just getting fewer. I grow older & no closer to the love of my life. I want someone who will appreciate me for who I am. I am not sure that's a good thing though. Who am I & why am I here? Why is it I can't seem to find my place in this world? I am upset with myself now. I think I should be doing something about my currently loneliness & unhappiness but WHAT? I need to figure it out because it's driving me crazy. Life shouldn't be this filled with pain. I can't stand this existence. I want a new reality. I want to get out of my fucking box. I want to start really experiencing life before it's over. I can't live this lie anymore.

Simple as a flower & that's a complicated thing..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
Fuck this feels weird. I took some Adderall today just to see what it would do to me without my other meds. It's having a weird effect on me. I can't tell if I'm coming or going. I feel confused & upset. I don't feel good that's for sure. I sold 14 pills of it to this girl today. I am glad to be rid of it. I shouldn't do it even for fun anymore. I don't think it's having a good effect on me. I hardly know what's going on now. I am coming off my psych meds & it's been difficult, yet easy. A lot of my addiction to them I think came from an idea that I actually needed to be on them. I don't believe that anymore. I am not acting anymore crazy than when I was on them. The main difference I can notice since I've been off them is I actually feel things more. I am not living in a stunted reality. This reality is a place where I can make things happen, I know that now. I feel more authentically me. Sure I have been sweating & feeling sick but I am sure that will all fade in time. If I am feeling so sick now what was I doing to myself on a daily basis. How was I numbing myself out? I feel like I have lost so much time. I feel like the time I have spent on meds have been a complete waste of my life. How else can I describe it? It's like time has passed but I was not there to witness it. I have been in a state of suspended animation. They call the meds I'm on major tranquilizers & now I understand why. How can you actually be alive & be majorly tranquilized? That just doesn't make sense. I feel like I actually have a future now & there is something I can begin to piece together in my world. On meds the real world doesn't exsist & you aren't a part of it. You can go through the motions of a living person but spiritually & emotionally your dead. Taking meds is spiritual suicide. You let the doctors steal your soul from you. I don't want that anymore. I want to feel each waking moment. I want to be actually a living person. There is no point to breathing when you don't feel your breath. There is no point to living when you feel no emotions or pain. Life is a roller-coaster & we are all along for the ride. Without the rush how can you really be alive? Reality is what you make it. Call it crazy or try to explain it all away, it just is what it is. You can not be a real person without your emotional body. The meds steal this from you. The meds make you into some robotic machine happy to just exist & never experience real living. I can't live the lie anymore. I don't want to. There is more to life than what I have made of it so far. I have a destiny I have not fulfilled yet. There is a reason I am still on this planet & that reason is not a bury my true soul under some medications that steal my life away. I am worried about a lot of things now. Mostly I let people walk all over me & that has to stop. I realize in social situations I let people get the best of me. I don't like that feeling. I never used to be that way before. I don't just go along with the flow to make everybody happy. In fact I frequently upset people & that is just part of my strong personality. I am very set in my ways. I know what it takes to be a free person & I work diligently on keeping my freedom. I don't like people who want to control me or manipulate me in any way. My mind is confused. I feel strange. I don't want to feel this anymore. I want to get to a place beyond this detox. I know that place is coming & it's not too far off. I want back my life. I will get it. I will find the exit from this prison I have been surviving in. I want my freedom & independence. I am so close to discovering my way out. There are people waiting for me & I am sure I will find them on the other side. I have to believe in myself again & let go the years of thinking I was beyond hope & crazy. I am not crazy. I don't have a mental illness. I have just been going through a spiritual crisis. I know there is something beyond all this pain. The pain creeps in when I allow it. I am allowing things like this now. I am allowing myself to be depressed. I am letting that emotion fill me up. It is real. It is something I can feel. Before this I could feel nothing & was nothing. I can't live like that anymore. There has to be more. I have goose-pimples all over my skin. I feel cold & hot. I feel naked & alone. There has to be a way beyond this & that place is calling to me. I will find my way there. I will be released from this drone of nothingness. I grow with each passing day. I wake up back to the world I left behind. I am the craziest person I know & that is a beautiful thing. I want to be crazy, really really crazy but really really me. How can I continue to live a lie? Nothing is happy here. Nothing fills me up. I am constantly unfull. I want to be filled up. I want to live & experience real living. I want magick beyond my imaginings. I want to feel.

How I feel now..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
I just recently quit taking all my meds. I know they are major tranquilizers they stole my soul & replaced it with a person who goes with the flow & obeys orders obediently. A revolutionary who opposes all forms of control suddenly just going along with the flow. That is not me. I know this has nothing to do with my real personality. The withdrawal is hell so far all I do is sweat & feel panicky but I know that will all fade in time & I will be back to being more my authentic self. Call me crazy or bi-polar at least it's me. I don't want to live under major tranquilizers stealing my soul. Sometimes the labels get to be too much & you begin to believe what they tell you. It doesn't matter it's not real & all of it is subjective. Who is to put a label on me & tell me what is right or wrong? Do they have to live my life? No I choose to do that. I choose to live as crazy as I am at least it's authentic. How can I continue to live a lie? I don't want to fit into their idea of who I am. I don't want to live another day of this boredom they call reality. I was born to be something greater than this. I was born to be free & be myself. I don't want to be easily controlled. I don't want to be another robot to the machine. I want to be original, unique & myself. I really hope I don't go back to being on these drugs they are soul destroyers. They robbed me of everything I hold most dear. I am no longer the creative genius I once was. I hope to gain it all back again. I know in time it will all come back to me. I want to love my life not dread each passing dull day of infinite monotony. There has to be more to life than this & without psych meds I can actually feel it.

What do I do..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
I am not sure what to do now. I am so upset with how things are. I don't want to go on in a world that makes me so unhappy. I am afraid to do anything to end my life. I am suicidal but largely scared. I just want change to occur in my life & I'm not sure what or how I am going to change. I just can't go on like this, everything is so boring. My life is boring. There is nothing to look forward to everyday. I don't wake-up with a smile on my face. When I wake up I just lie there & know I'm going to have to face the day & I don't want to. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't know how to express this enough. Maybe someone would say just end it all & get off the planet. Leave room for the people who actually want to be here. Maybe I want to be here but not like I am. I want more meaning to my life. I want a reason to wake up. I want people in my life that really care about me. I don't know how to find people to really care about me when I barely care about myself. This is all a depressing circle I find myself in again. No exit that I can find. I am sure there is a simple solution but it's beyond me. Somehow I find myself trapped in a box I can't get out of. I want there to be more to live for but I just can't find it. Where does my happiness lie? Why can't I find my place in this miserable world. Why does it have to be miserable? Why can't it be happy? Life should be about happiness. You should never be bored but I am. I am terribly bored & terribly unhappy with how my life currently is. I have no certain future. I keep looking at my life with regret for what I should have done. I keep writing out these words hoping some solution will come to me but I can barely figure it out. I could goto school but I'm scared. I don't know that school is the right answer for me but I can not think of anything else. I could goto summer school, maybe.. Maybe that's something I should try. I owe Cabrillo College some money, I know that. I'm not sure I can afford going to school. What exactly am I going to learn there? I guess people goto school & learn things I'm just not sure where my place is there. The whole system confuses me. School is something I have never done well. I learn well but school is not my best place to learn. I think I might goto school & study Horticulture but what am I going to do with it when I get out of school? Am I really doing what I want? It's hard for me to make up my mind. I feel like drinking right now. Not that drinking is going to solve my problems. In fact I have been able to drink a lot less since I quit my psyche meds. I have been desiring less alcohol & not able to drink as much. All that drinking seems to do now is make me pass out. I want to do more with my life than drink to pass out. I mean it fills up the time but not for very long & you wake up to the same shit you left. Drinking is like a sleeping pill for me now. I drink, I sleep.. it's really not all that fun. Drinking used to be fun & it used to have a purpose. A lot of things that don't have any purpose now used to have a purpose in the past. A lot of things that meant something to me in the past mean nothing to me now. A lot of people who meant something to me mean nothing to me now. Life is so confusing. There has to be a greater purpose to it. There has to be a place where smart people live above the herd. There has to be a place for people who don't buy into the main-stream. I just don't know where this magickal land exists & how I get there. So many people tell me their dreams about living simply off the land but no one is actually doing it. Is it really so hard just to want to exists? Just to want to be loved & adored for who you are & tell the rest of the world to kiss your ass? Why can't I just find a soul-mate so I wouldn't spend so much time alone. I want a partner but I am terribly picky, it couldn't just be anyone. It has to be someone special like me. Someone who sees beyond the veil & isn't distracted by it. Someone who has found out the ultimate truth that we are all lied to from the day we are born into this shitty world. I want a free person. I want a free soul-mate. Why can't I find my certain someone in amongst the masses of sheep? There has to be someone out there for me. There has to be someone who sees my beauty & none of my faults. I just want someone young beautiful & in love with me. Is that so hard? Why can't I just find this one simple thing in the world. I think I could be inspired to participate more in the world if I had a special someone. I know there is a lonely soul out there wishing they had me. I know these things aren't too far fetched. Am I crazy? I don't think so. Am I lonely? Yes, indeed I am. Do I want to be? Hell no. I hate this. It's not what I want. I want companionship if nothing more. Life can be empty & full of pain but it shouldn't be lonely. I think being lonely is one of the worst things you can be. I think you can pretty much find happiness in any situation if you have someone at your side. It shouldn't be that hard to find. I don't know what else to say about it, this is just what I am feeling right now, free of my drugs. This is a mind living free of medications. How will I be able to cope? I'm not sure, I am taking one day at a time. It is about time I started actually feeling things & actually being concerned about how I am living. If I don't think about these things no one else is going to do it for me. I have to take responsibility for my own future & my own life. What else can I do? This is the first day of the rest of my life. I have to live a little better & increase my happiness. If I don't do it no one else will.

Bored with life..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
I am coming off my psyche meds & I notice one thing in particular.. I'm really bored. I have nothing to do with my days. I just sit here on the computer & that is no kind of life. I want something more. I want to do something with my time I am just not sure what. I haven't had much success getting a job or anything. I could go back to school I guess. I just need to find something to do with my time. Life can be so boring when you have nothing to do. I really want to find something that makes me happy. I'm just not sure what this something is. Why is it for me life seems to be so hard? For everyone else they seem to find what drives them & go for it. I've spent years trying to find something to be attached to & still I can't do it. I have no great pleasures in life. I want something more for myself. I feel like The Little Mermaid, "Look at this stuff isn't it neat, wouldn't you think my collections complete? Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, the girl who has everything?" But I want MORE! I am not sure what that more is but I want it. I don't know how to get it but I want it. I am tired of my life having no meaning. I am tired of being by myself. I want a real life & a real relationship. Why is it I find it so hard to find these things? Everyone else seems to do an okay job at it. I don't know what the point of writing this is. I just depresses me honestly. I feel helpless. I feel like I should be able to accomplish so much but I am unmotivated & don't know where to find the inspiration. Seems like my life is just moving in circles & there is no escape. I want to get off the spinning wheel. I want to actually do something with my life instead of just go through the motions. There has to be more than this. How could anyone be satisfied with a life like I've got, it makes no sense. I'm still detoxing from my meds I can feel it in my body now. It doesn't feel good. I feel messed up. But it's better I feel messed up & authentically myself. I have been hiding too long under those meds making me into someone I'm not. How could I spend so much time in suspended animation? How could I just give up my personality? I don't know what to do anymore. I have no fucking clue. I used to have a purpose, I used to have a direction now all I do is waste time & wonder when I'm going to die. Each passing day does not bring new hope into my life but new despair. I can barely breathe sometimes, I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. So many people have their little happy lives & their existence in this machine, I just can't seem to find my place in it. I have no place in it. I shouldn't exist but I do. I don't see why life has to be so hard for me when it seems to make sense to other people. Other people have jobs & careers & things that make sense in their lives, I don't have any of it. I am not sure I want any of it either. I'm not sure what I want but I know I don't have it now. What should I be doing with my time? How should I be improving the quality of my life. Honestly I just want to live with a girlfriend out in the middle of the woods & never have to deal with society again. I want to disappear from this world. Just drink Ayahuasca & dream. Why couldn't I have been born a Shaman out in the middle of South America somewhere? Why was I born into this fake reality? I can't stand plastic America. I don't want to be a part of the machine that holds it all together. I don't want to believe the lies society tells it's self to stay together. How can I place myself into something I don't believe in? How can I make myself believe in something I hate? Other people do it, why do I find such a problem with it? I feel suicidal & not so healthy right now. I want to do something about it but I don't know what to do. I know the drugs only mask the pain. If I'm going to be dealing with the pain I better do it authentically. How else am I going to change anything unless I face my demons head on? Am I really prepared to fight my demons? What am I doing with myself? Jesus Christ! This is getting me nowhere. I want this to change but what am I willing to do about it? Fuck I can't write anymore I'm losing my train of thought, not that I had one to begin with.

Detox..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
Ever since I did Ayahuasca a few days ago I decided to detox from my psyche meds. I have since been off them about 4 days. So far it's going alright. I tend to be a little worn down. I have been having weird sweats. I keep getting goose pimples all over my body. I feel hot & cold at the same time. My body doesn't know what to think. The first couple nights I fell asleep by drinking alcohol but that wasn't a very good option. I switched last night to Melatonin much smarter way. I slept pretty decently last night. I woke up early & didn't think I really felt tired after that. I noticed some things around me this morning that were disturbing like how fucking dirty my van is. I mean I just don't normally notice all these things doped up as I am. I am sure there are a lot of things I don't notice on a day to day basis that I should when I am on Seroquel, Geodon & Adderall.. I would like to break my addiction. I would like to be free of all psyche meds. That is my goal right now. I am not sure I am going to make it but I am giving it a chance. Supposedly there is no come down from these meds but I know that's a lie. You have to detox from any med you use regularly. I am physically addicted to them. Maybe some people wouldn't consider it a good thing for me to just stop them like I'm doing but I really feel that is the best way to break the addiction. Without just going cold turkey I don't think I could do it. Trust me it isn't easy. There are a lot of reasons to want to stay on these meds but there are also a lot of reasons to go off. I don't want to kill myself with psyche meds. I don't feel they are healthy to take all the time. I feel like my Ayahuasca trip gave me the message that I should go off them. I think I don't notice alot in my life because I'm doped up. I don't want this to control my life anymore. I'm scared but I think I can do it. I think it's better to be crazy for real than sane unreal. If you depend on a drug to act a certain way that isn't authentically you. Drugs should not replace reality. You should be free to be your unique self. Friends of mine have encouraged me to get off these meds & I am beginging to listen to them now. I'm not sure what's going to happen but we'll see.. All I can do is take one day at a time. I'm not crazy yet.

A letter I just wrote I wanted to add to my journal, it explains a few things going on for me..
trevor brown, drugs, lsd
greenboi
I've done Ayahuasca a total of 3 times in my life. The first time was the most intense. I took a shit load of Syrian Rue the first time. I think I ate something like 7 large pills filled with X10 Syrian Rue then combine it with Chaliponga (Diplopterys Cabrerana) leaves I cooked. It was extremely intense the first time like I wanted it to be. I kept puking though & could barely lift my head off the ground. The visuals were really intense & I saw all the plant life come to life. All the leaves in the trees & bushes around me turned into faces & bodies. They were all smiling at me & I felt welcome in their presence. I eventually was able to get up off the ground & walked unsteady back to my van to lay down. During my walk I looked at cars & they had sparks coming off them. I also walked around an overpass & that too had sparks it was very colorful & amazing. The second time I did Ayahuasca I took much less of the ingredients. This time I just laid down on my bed & saw inside my head a bunch of images like you see in Alex Grey paintings. I also felt like I was contacting some alien force that was guiding me. The third time I did Ayahuasca a few days ago I took the Syrian Rue from a tincture. We cooked the Chaliponga in an open fire behind some trees in the cemetery. We weren't able to cook it for very long or do a second extraction so I don't think the brew was as strong as when I did it before. We took the recommended dose of the tincture then drank all the extracted Chaliponga. I got some visual effects from it & opened up about a lot of things I spend a lot of time thinking about. Things like the government & the Illuminati. Things about how we are conditioned to believe certain things & how we are lied to all our lives about the nature of reality. I had some deep conversations with a friend of mine & it seems like a good thing. The next day I took my medication that I normally take & had some negative effects from it. My heart started beating fast & I started sweating. I don't think the MAOI in the Syrian Rue mixed too well with my medications. I decided that continuing to take my medication was a bad idea so I didn't take it the following night & day. I'm honestly thinking about quitting my medication because I know it's not good for me & represses my true personality. I've thought a lot about that since my trip. Honestly I believe more in psychedelics to cure me than western medicine. I think I will give it a try & see how I do without them. I've become dependent on Psyche meds & I think they are kind of suppressing my entire life & making me into someone I'm not. I believe things like Ayahuasca can be very healing & show us what we need to illuminate in our lives. That is what I've gained from the experience I think. I want to start living a more pure life away from meds that alter who I truly am. I'm a little worried because without my medications I was getting myself into a lot of trouble before but maybe that is meant to happen, I don't know. I've been living a much more contained life since I've been on them & honestly it's pretty boring. I feel like I need to have more of the fire from my true personality coming out & setting me free.

Interesting you learned about Choronzon in a book about the Ouija board. I learned about Choronzon through Aleister Crowley. It was the only real demon he had trouble dealing with. His number was also 333. I don't know why particularly but that's what I read. I guess I have a fascination with all things dark. I seem to learn the most through challenge & hardship. I guess that is why I chose this name for my e-mail. If I'm going to face something I want the hardest challenges I can deal with. Calling upon a demon that has a fierce reputation is something I would most likely do.

Food of the Gods is certainly a good book. I read it years ago. Interesting you learn about it from a suicidal guy trying to carry on his legacy. I can't say I don't relate to that frame of mind. I've thought things like that before. Luckily I'm still alive. My friend just told me the night I was having the heart trouble after my Ayahusca experience that she would like me as a ghost friend but she prefered me alive because it was easier to talk to me. I promised her I wouldn't take my Seroquel to knock out & maybe have a heart attack in my sleep. I have only done a half pill since then to fall asleep. I hopefully can stay off these meds now for awhile. It may turn me into a crazy person again but maybe that's what I want. Lifes no fun without being a little different.

Anyways, it's nice to hear from you & I hope you will continue to write to me. Us artistic people should stay in touch. It's fun to do things like make zines. They are a good creative outlet.

Fucking Van won't work..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
greenboi
Yes, my van is broken down now & I have no idea what's going to happen to it. I am hoping my friend Aaron can fix it but I have my doubts. I was woken up this morning at 6:30AM by a cop. He told me unless I moved he was going to come back & give me a ticket. I left the van & walked to the cemetery. I tried to rest there for awhile but I couldn't. Something about the sun being in my face was keeping me from getting any rest so I went back to my van. I didn't see a ticket on my van or anything. I think the cop was just blowing smoke up my ass. I think he was full of shit. I doubt he even came back to check on me. I just said fuck it & went back to sleep in the comfort of my van. It's on the street now so it's dangerous to leave it there, the cops in Santa Cruz love to disturb your sleep. It's as if they don't have anything better to do than harass the homeless. It's not as if I'm sleeping in a door way or something where people are trying to walk. It's just cruelty that inspires these cops. I can just see it from their point of view as if your a worthless human being that doesn't deserve to exist in the same world as they do. We are nothing but cattle to them who they have to round up. They think they're cowboys & your the herd. We mean nothing to them & they cut us no slack.

I got a letter recently in the mail that says my licence is expired next month. They say unless I give them $680 I can't drive & I am suppose to give my license to a cop. They also say that if they catch me driving it is a misdemener & my vehicle can be impounded & sold. This really sucks. I don't have the money to pay the fine so they are going to take away my licence to drive. I think maybe I should just get rid of my van & sell it to pick & pull. They offered me $100 for it. Which is bullshit, I think it's worth much more than $100 but they don't see it that way.

Everything is so fucked in my life right now. I really get frustrated with everything. How is a person like myself suppose to make it in this world? I try like hell to get a job & end up with nothing. It's like being bi-polar rules my life & I am suppose to just barely get by. I hate this. I don't want to keep blaming some disease but that's essentially what it all boils down to. If I were more normal I wouldn't have all these issues coming up for me. I'm getting depressed about the prospect of losing the only house I have. It wasn't easy staying above the law when the van was running now it is twice as hard. I can't just up & leave a spot because I have to get someone to help me push it & no matter how far I go it won't be far enough to outrun the cops.

If I just got a storage space it might be better. I dread sleeping outside & being harassed by the police without a home. At least with a van you almost have an apartment. It may be a small apartment but the rent is good. All you have to worry about is putting gas in your vehicle so you can keep moving it every time you run into the law. I have the danger now of running into the law & them seizing my vehicle & putting me in jail. Worry, worry, worry what can I do? The cards are stacked against me & I feel the pressure building. I just want to explode. Luckily I take medications that keep me under control or I would probably be yelling at the cop & getting into a fight with him & ending up back in jail. I guess I really don't fear jail all that much, I mean it's a roof over your head & three meals a day, even if they are crappy meals. It's not like I have a girlfriend I would be missing or something. I'm doing pretty poorly in the relationships department too.

I have placed I don't know how many craigslist ads to no avail. All I do is get spam from a bunch of internet whores who want me to join some site to look at pictures or webcams of them. It's really frustrating. Who the hell wants to spend all their money looking at naked pictures & dreaming about the real thing, it's really pathetic.

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