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An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

Paranoia I hate it..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
Okay here I am getting paranoid again. I have a million scenarios running through my brain. It all started with this guy saying a bunch of shit to me online today. Here's the quote:

"Your parties blow and your a lier and my friend said that your set sucked so bad that he put a paper near the mixer saying you suck and to stop playing..... dont quit your day job just yet man cuz this djing shit isent for you nor is throwing shows."

Well, very cheery stuff indeed. Obviously this guy does not even know who I am because then he would know I'm not even a DJ. This kind of hateful message though really affects me. I guess I am extreamly sensitive & when I feel attacked it really hurts me. This guy is also associated with the whole "B.A.D. Kids" crew. Funny how this is that I am working with the head of B.A.D. Kids letting him DJ at my next event. I got thoughly upset, I was physically shaking.. I called this guy the head of B.A.D. Kids Mohammad & told him what this guy DJ P said to me & how if he wanted to work with me he better put this guy in line. I told him I wasn't about to promote his name or his crew on my flier if this is the kind of people they are. I got really burned by this guy Steve & I don't want to ever feel that way again. Mohammad seemed to understand my point & talked to this guy DJ P. He sent me a sort of apology & I guess I kind of accepted it. But this shit really upsets me. I am still not feeling well from this experience. I feel this conspiracy feeling all over again. I feel like people are plotting against me. I feel that I am unliked & unappreciated by anyone. I know it's all delusion but it's hard not to feel that way. I keep thinking no one really has any respect for me or my visons. I know it's not true but it's really hard for me to believe that right now. I signed a contract with the 418 Project today pretty much sealing my doom if anything bad happens now. I'm sure it won't but I don't know why I just feel that way. It's hard for me not to believe people are laughing at me behind my back. It's hard to believe anyone has any respect for me. Again, this is all my garbage & I know that. I am very creative & I have achieved a lot working on this project of mine. I have been working very hard to make a business for myself. A place where I can connect with people, make friends & make money. I want to see my art come to life. I want people to be amazed at what I am doing. I am still so fearful & I am wrestling a lot of demons. The demons of years of hurt & neglect. The years of painful memories. The abuse I suffered as a child. Everything is still effecting me. I don't want it to though but I know it is an essential part of me. I have to learn to live with the person I actually am & not try to be someone I'm not. That person I am is insecure & distrustful of people.. I just need to find ways of living with that. I need to find the people in my life I can truely trust & depend on. I need to avoid people who will take advantage of innocent people like me. I don't have a negative bone in my body. I am only about love & compassion for people. I don't go out with the intention of hurting anyone. If I have ever hurt anyone I feel terrible about it & I try to change those parts of myself. Not everyone is like me. Not everyone really cares about other people. Not everyone is good. It's hard for me to believe that. It's hard for me to believe all people are not good but if anyone should know that it should be me. Having been abused in my life I should be aware of these things. I invite in bad people & then I regret it. I let bad people take advantage of me. I don't want that to happen anymore. I want really good people in my life. Is that wrong to want to have true good people in your life? Why is it even the good people I start to isolate myself from because I don't trust anyone? I start to believe even the good people are bad. I do things to ruin my friendships & end up alone. I can't stand this pattern anymore. I don't want that reality. I have some very few good people in my life right now & that gives me hope. My friends also have a lot of paranoia & fears like I do. It seems like birds of a feather flock together. It is important to me to have people in my life who understand me & don't judge me harshly. People that can be there for me through my ups & downs. People that understand how much of an emotional wreck I can be. I am very tolerant of other peoples flaws as well. I know whats most important is someones heart & their intention twords the world. Anyway, this writing is my therapy. This is my way of working things out in my brain. I feel so isolated & alone right now. I feel helplessly lost but at the same time this is one of the best times of my life that I have ever had. I actually believe in myself & my own abilities. I am working hard to make these Graver Rave parties happen. Maybe they will flop but I doubt it. I get more & more support for it everyday & that makes me feel a whole lot better about myself. People coming out of the wood work volunteering to help me out. You can't know how good that makes me feel. People willing to help me with this dream of mine. People echoing the same dream within themselves. I feel like I am making a difference in peoples lives & that feels better than anything else I can describe. I want this good point in my life to continue. I want my dreams to come to reality. Ican't let one persons fucked up opinion affect me. There is always going to be negative bad people in the world. Think about thier name the BAD Kids & here I am with my title being "Love is the Law" see a difference there? I do! I want to spread love not be bad. I am not interested in being a BAD Kid. I am interested in being a good one. I have always been a really good kid. I have always strove to be a really good person & that means more to me than anything else. They say the good guy finishes last & maybe thats the case but I would rather be good than anything else. My company is "Love is the Law" for a reason. If your going to work with me or be a part of my production then you better understand my first & only rule is LOVE! if you can't give & receive love in this group than your not invited! Love has a certain responsibility to it. That is why Aleister Crowley said, "Love is the Law. Love under will." You have to will it into existence & it is a constant struggle to maintain. Love is the natural flow of life & once you get on with it you begin to flow with it & you really know what it is to be alive. Without love we are nothing. Without love life wouldn't exist. Love is the primary force of the universe that holds every atom together. It is the thing that keeps us all from just wanting to kill ourselves. Without it we die. We get sick. Dis-ease comes in. My goal with my company is to unite people with Love & to give them all the love I can & also to learn to recieve love from others. When you give to others you feel love, when others give to you, you feel love. Love is amazing! No, I'm not some hippy dippy person spouting this out, it's true & real. I know I have tried to live without love before & it never works. If more people knew how to give & recieve love the world would be a much better place. So I can forgive all those BAD Kids & bad people out there because I know they are suffering. I know without coming to the understanding that we all are all inner connected they can never know peace & happiness. They are living miserable lives lashing out at others because they think that makes them strong & powerful. Really they are the weakest ones. So all we can do is kill them with kindness & do our best to show another example without being stepped on & standing up for ourselves when other people hurt us. Showing other people our feelings & not being afraid to let them know how they have hurt us. That is what I did today. I let my feelings be known & I wasn't taken advantage of. I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself. Because I don't deserve to be hurt! Nobody does. I will always do my best to protect my innocent loving self & protect the other people around me who show me love. I will not tolerate otherwise. I love fiercely & that is the only way it can be.

93 93/93!!

ABRAHADABRA 418!!!!!!!!