An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

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Fucking Van won't work..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
Yes, my van is broken down now & I have no idea what's going to happen to it. I am hoping my friend Aaron can fix it but I have my doubts. I was woken up this morning at 6:30AM by a cop. He told me unless I moved he was going to come back & give me a ticket. I left the van & walked to the cemetery. I tried to rest there for awhile but I couldn't. Something about the sun being in my face was keeping me from getting any rest so I went back to my van. I didn't see a ticket on my van or anything. I think the cop was just blowing smoke up my ass. I think he was full of shit. I doubt he even came back to check on me. I just said fuck it & went back to sleep in the comfort of my van. It's on the street now so it's dangerous to leave it there, the cops in Santa Cruz love to disturb your sleep. It's as if they don't have anything better to do than harass the homeless. It's not as if I'm sleeping in a door way or something where people are trying to walk. It's just cruelty that inspires these cops. I can just see it from their point of view as if your a worthless human being that doesn't deserve to exist in the same world as they do. We are nothing but cattle to them who they have to round up. They think they're cowboys & your the herd. We mean nothing to them & they cut us no slack.

I got a letter recently in the mail that says my licence is expired next month. They say unless I give them $680 I can't drive & I am suppose to give my license to a cop. They also say that if they catch me driving it is a misdemener & my vehicle can be impounded & sold. This really sucks. I don't have the money to pay the fine so they are going to take away my licence to drive. I think maybe I should just get rid of my van & sell it to pick & pull. They offered me $100 for it. Which is bullshit, I think it's worth much more than $100 but they don't see it that way.

Everything is so fucked in my life right now. I really get frustrated with everything. How is a person like myself suppose to make it in this world? I try like hell to get a job & end up with nothing. It's like being bi-polar rules my life & I am suppose to just barely get by. I hate this. I don't want to keep blaming some disease but that's essentially what it all boils down to. If I were more normal I wouldn't have all these issues coming up for me. I'm getting depressed about the prospect of losing the only house I have. It wasn't easy staying above the law when the van was running now it is twice as hard. I can't just up & leave a spot because I have to get someone to help me push it & no matter how far I go it won't be far enough to outrun the cops.

If I just got a storage space it might be better. I dread sleeping outside & being harassed by the police without a home. At least with a van you almost have an apartment. It may be a small apartment but the rent is good. All you have to worry about is putting gas in your vehicle so you can keep moving it every time you run into the law. I have the danger now of running into the law & them seizing my vehicle & putting me in jail. Worry, worry, worry what can I do? The cards are stacked against me & I feel the pressure building. I just want to explode. Luckily I take medications that keep me under control or I would probably be yelling at the cop & getting into a fight with him & ending up back in jail. I guess I really don't fear jail all that much, I mean it's a roof over your head & three meals a day, even if they are crappy meals. It's not like I have a girlfriend I would be missing or something. I'm doing pretty poorly in the relationships department too.

I have placed I don't know how many craigslist ads to no avail. All I do is get spam from a bunch of internet whores who want me to join some site to look at pictures or webcams of them. It's really frustrating. Who the hell wants to spend all their money looking at naked pictures & dreaming about the real thing, it's really pathetic.


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