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An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

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A letter I just wrote I wanted to add to my journal, it explains a few things going on for me..
trevor brown, drugs, lsd
I've done Ayahuasca a total of 3 times in my life. The first time was the most intense. I took a shit load of Syrian Rue the first time. I think I ate something like 7 large pills filled with X10 Syrian Rue then combine it with Chaliponga (Diplopterys Cabrerana) leaves I cooked. It was extremely intense the first time like I wanted it to be. I kept puking though & could barely lift my head off the ground. The visuals were really intense & I saw all the plant life come to life. All the leaves in the trees & bushes around me turned into faces & bodies. They were all smiling at me & I felt welcome in their presence. I eventually was able to get up off the ground & walked unsteady back to my van to lay down. During my walk I looked at cars & they had sparks coming off them. I also walked around an overpass & that too had sparks it was very colorful & amazing. The second time I did Ayahuasca I took much less of the ingredients. This time I just laid down on my bed & saw inside my head a bunch of images like you see in Alex Grey paintings. I also felt like I was contacting some alien force that was guiding me. The third time I did Ayahuasca a few days ago I took the Syrian Rue from a tincture. We cooked the Chaliponga in an open fire behind some trees in the cemetery. We weren't able to cook it for very long or do a second extraction so I don't think the brew was as strong as when I did it before. We took the recommended dose of the tincture then drank all the extracted Chaliponga. I got some visual effects from it & opened up about a lot of things I spend a lot of time thinking about. Things like the government & the Illuminati. Things about how we are conditioned to believe certain things & how we are lied to all our lives about the nature of reality. I had some deep conversations with a friend of mine & it seems like a good thing. The next day I took my medication that I normally take & had some negative effects from it. My heart started beating fast & I started sweating. I don't think the MAOI in the Syrian Rue mixed too well with my medications. I decided that continuing to take my medication was a bad idea so I didn't take it the following night & day. I'm honestly thinking about quitting my medication because I know it's not good for me & represses my true personality. I've thought a lot about that since my trip. Honestly I believe more in psychedelics to cure me than western medicine. I think I will give it a try & see how I do without them. I've become dependent on Psyche meds & I think they are kind of suppressing my entire life & making me into someone I'm not. I believe things like Ayahuasca can be very healing & show us what we need to illuminate in our lives. That is what I've gained from the experience I think. I want to start living a more pure life away from meds that alter who I truly am. I'm a little worried because without my medications I was getting myself into a lot of trouble before but maybe that is meant to happen, I don't know. I've been living a much more contained life since I've been on them & honestly it's pretty boring. I feel like I need to have more of the fire from my true personality coming out & setting me free.

Interesting you learned about Choronzon in a book about the Ouija board. I learned about Choronzon through Aleister Crowley. It was the only real demon he had trouble dealing with. His number was also 333. I don't know why particularly but that's what I read. I guess I have a fascination with all things dark. I seem to learn the most through challenge & hardship. I guess that is why I chose this name for my e-mail. If I'm going to face something I want the hardest challenges I can deal with. Calling upon a demon that has a fierce reputation is something I would most likely do.

Food of the Gods is certainly a good book. I read it years ago. Interesting you learn about it from a suicidal guy trying to carry on his legacy. I can't say I don't relate to that frame of mind. I've thought things like that before. Luckily I'm still alive. My friend just told me the night I was having the heart trouble after my Ayahusca experience that she would like me as a ghost friend but she prefered me alive because it was easier to talk to me. I promised her I wouldn't take my Seroquel to knock out & maybe have a heart attack in my sleep. I have only done a half pill since then to fall asleep. I hopefully can stay off these meds now for awhile. It may turn me into a crazy person again but maybe that's what I want. Lifes no fun without being a little different.

Anyways, it's nice to hear from you & I hope you will continue to write to me. Us artistic people should stay in touch. It's fun to do things like make zines. They are a good creative outlet.

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That sound awesome, excpet the puking part...
What is it?
Just LSD or something i just haven't hear about yet........

No, it's not just LSD. It is traditionally used in South America as a healing plant. It's very purging, obviously.. The active ingredient is DMT. Terence McKenna writes about it that is where I first learned about it. There is also other books & information on websites like Erowid.

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