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An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

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top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
Ever since I did Ayahuasca a few days ago I decided to detox from my psyche meds. I have since been off them about 4 days. So far it's going alright. I tend to be a little worn down. I have been having weird sweats. I keep getting goose pimples all over my body. I feel hot & cold at the same time. My body doesn't know what to think. The first couple nights I fell asleep by drinking alcohol but that wasn't a very good option. I switched last night to Melatonin much smarter way. I slept pretty decently last night. I woke up early & didn't think I really felt tired after that. I noticed some things around me this morning that were disturbing like how fucking dirty my van is. I mean I just don't normally notice all these things doped up as I am. I am sure there are a lot of things I don't notice on a day to day basis that I should when I am on Seroquel, Geodon & Adderall.. I would like to break my addiction. I would like to be free of all psyche meds. That is my goal right now. I am not sure I am going to make it but I am giving it a chance. Supposedly there is no come down from these meds but I know that's a lie. You have to detox from any med you use regularly. I am physically addicted to them. Maybe some people wouldn't consider it a good thing for me to just stop them like I'm doing but I really feel that is the best way to break the addiction. Without just going cold turkey I don't think I could do it. Trust me it isn't easy. There are a lot of reasons to want to stay on these meds but there are also a lot of reasons to go off. I don't want to kill myself with psyche meds. I don't feel they are healthy to take all the time. I feel like my Ayahuasca trip gave me the message that I should go off them. I think I don't notice alot in my life because I'm doped up. I don't want this to control my life anymore. I'm scared but I think I can do it. I think it's better to be crazy for real than sane unreal. If you depend on a drug to act a certain way that isn't authentically you. Drugs should not replace reality. You should be free to be your unique self. Friends of mine have encouraged me to get off these meds & I am beginging to listen to them now. I'm not sure what's going to happen but we'll see.. All I can do is take one day at a time. I'm not crazy yet.