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An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

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What do I do..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
I am not sure what to do now. I am so upset with how things are. I don't want to go on in a world that makes me so unhappy. I am afraid to do anything to end my life. I am suicidal but largely scared. I just want change to occur in my life & I'm not sure what or how I am going to change. I just can't go on like this, everything is so boring. My life is boring. There is nothing to look forward to everyday. I don't wake-up with a smile on my face. When I wake up I just lie there & know I'm going to have to face the day & I don't want to. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't know how to express this enough. Maybe someone would say just end it all & get off the planet. Leave room for the people who actually want to be here. Maybe I want to be here but not like I am. I want more meaning to my life. I want a reason to wake up. I want people in my life that really care about me. I don't know how to find people to really care about me when I barely care about myself. This is all a depressing circle I find myself in again. No exit that I can find. I am sure there is a simple solution but it's beyond me. Somehow I find myself trapped in a box I can't get out of. I want there to be more to live for but I just can't find it. Where does my happiness lie? Why can't I find my place in this miserable world. Why does it have to be miserable? Why can't it be happy? Life should be about happiness. You should never be bored but I am. I am terribly bored & terribly unhappy with how my life currently is. I have no certain future. I keep looking at my life with regret for what I should have done. I keep writing out these words hoping some solution will come to me but I can barely figure it out. I could goto school but I'm scared. I don't know that school is the right answer for me but I can not think of anything else. I could goto summer school, maybe.. Maybe that's something I should try. I owe Cabrillo College some money, I know that. I'm not sure I can afford going to school. What exactly am I going to learn there? I guess people goto school & learn things I'm just not sure where my place is there. The whole system confuses me. School is something I have never done well. I learn well but school is not my best place to learn. I think I might goto school & study Horticulture but what am I going to do with it when I get out of school? Am I really doing what I want? It's hard for me to make up my mind. I feel like drinking right now. Not that drinking is going to solve my problems. In fact I have been able to drink a lot less since I quit my psyche meds. I have been desiring less alcohol & not able to drink as much. All that drinking seems to do now is make me pass out. I want to do more with my life than drink to pass out. I mean it fills up the time but not for very long & you wake up to the same shit you left. Drinking is like a sleeping pill for me now. I drink, I sleep.. it's really not all that fun. Drinking used to be fun & it used to have a purpose. A lot of things that don't have any purpose now used to have a purpose in the past. A lot of things that meant something to me in the past mean nothing to me now. A lot of people who meant something to me mean nothing to me now. Life is so confusing. There has to be a greater purpose to it. There has to be a place where smart people live above the herd. There has to be a place for people who don't buy into the main-stream. I just don't know where this magickal land exists & how I get there. So many people tell me their dreams about living simply off the land but no one is actually doing it. Is it really so hard just to want to exists? Just to want to be loved & adored for who you are & tell the rest of the world to kiss your ass? Why can't I just find a soul-mate so I wouldn't spend so much time alone. I want a partner but I am terribly picky, it couldn't just be anyone. It has to be someone special like me. Someone who sees beyond the veil & isn't distracted by it. Someone who has found out the ultimate truth that we are all lied to from the day we are born into this shitty world. I want a free person. I want a free soul-mate. Why can't I find my certain someone in amongst the masses of sheep? There has to be someone out there for me. There has to be someone who sees my beauty & none of my faults. I just want someone young beautiful & in love with me. Is that so hard? Why can't I just find this one simple thing in the world. I think I could be inspired to participate more in the world if I had a special someone. I know there is a lonely soul out there wishing they had me. I know these things aren't too far fetched. Am I crazy? I don't think so. Am I lonely? Yes, indeed I am. Do I want to be? Hell no. I hate this. It's not what I want. I want companionship if nothing more. Life can be empty & full of pain but it shouldn't be lonely. I think being lonely is one of the worst things you can be. I think you can pretty much find happiness in any situation if you have someone at your side. It shouldn't be that hard to find. I don't know what else to say about it, this is just what I am feeling right now, free of my drugs. This is a mind living free of medications. How will I be able to cope? I'm not sure, I am taking one day at a time. It is about time I started actually feeling things & actually being concerned about how I am living. If I don't think about these things no one else is going to do it for me. I have to take responsibility for my own future & my own life. What else can I do? This is the first day of the rest of my life. I have to live a little better & increase my happiness. If I don't do it no one else will.

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