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An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

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How I feel now..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
I just recently quit taking all my meds. I know they are major tranquilizers they stole my soul & replaced it with a person who goes with the flow & obeys orders obediently. A revolutionary who opposes all forms of control suddenly just going along with the flow. That is not me. I know this has nothing to do with my real personality. The withdrawal is hell so far all I do is sweat & feel panicky but I know that will all fade in time & I will be back to being more my authentic self. Call me crazy or bi-polar at least it's me. I don't want to live under major tranquilizers stealing my soul. Sometimes the labels get to be too much & you begin to believe what they tell you. It doesn't matter it's not real & all of it is subjective. Who is to put a label on me & tell me what is right or wrong? Do they have to live my life? No I choose to do that. I choose to live as crazy as I am at least it's authentic. How can I continue to live a lie? I don't want to fit into their idea of who I am. I don't want to live another day of this boredom they call reality. I was born to be something greater than this. I was born to be free & be myself. I don't want to be easily controlled. I don't want to be another robot to the machine. I want to be original, unique & myself. I really hope I don't go back to being on these drugs they are soul destroyers. They robbed me of everything I hold most dear. I am no longer the creative genius I once was. I hope to gain it all back again. I know in time it will all come back to me. I want to love my life not dread each passing dull day of infinite monotony. There has to be more to life than this & without psych meds I can actually feel it.