An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Simple as a flower & that's a complicated thing..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
Fuck this feels weird. I took some Adderall today just to see what it would do to me without my other meds. It's having a weird effect on me. I can't tell if I'm coming or going. I feel confused & upset. I don't feel good that's for sure. I sold 14 pills of it to this girl today. I am glad to be rid of it. I shouldn't do it even for fun anymore. I don't think it's having a good effect on me. I hardly know what's going on now. I am coming off my psych meds & it's been difficult, yet easy. A lot of my addiction to them I think came from an idea that I actually needed to be on them. I don't believe that anymore. I am not acting anymore crazy than when I was on them. The main difference I can notice since I've been off them is I actually feel things more. I am not living in a stunted reality. This reality is a place where I can make things happen, I know that now. I feel more authentically me. Sure I have been sweating & feeling sick but I am sure that will all fade in time. If I am feeling so sick now what was I doing to myself on a daily basis. How was I numbing myself out? I feel like I have lost so much time. I feel like the time I have spent on meds have been a complete waste of my life. How else can I describe it? It's like time has passed but I was not there to witness it. I have been in a state of suspended animation. They call the meds I'm on major tranquilizers & now I understand why. How can you actually be alive & be majorly tranquilized? That just doesn't make sense. I feel like I actually have a future now & there is something I can begin to piece together in my world. On meds the real world doesn't exsist & you aren't a part of it. You can go through the motions of a living person but spiritually & emotionally your dead. Taking meds is spiritual suicide. You let the doctors steal your soul from you. I don't want that anymore. I want to feel each waking moment. I want to be actually a living person. There is no point to breathing when you don't feel your breath. There is no point to living when you feel no emotions or pain. Life is a roller-coaster & we are all along for the ride. Without the rush how can you really be alive? Reality is what you make it. Call it crazy or try to explain it all away, it just is what it is. You can not be a real person without your emotional body. The meds steal this from you. The meds make you into some robotic machine happy to just exist & never experience real living. I can't live the lie anymore. I don't want to. There is more to life than what I have made of it so far. I have a destiny I have not fulfilled yet. There is a reason I am still on this planet & that reason is not a bury my true soul under some medications that steal my life away. I am worried about a lot of things now. Mostly I let people walk all over me & that has to stop. I realize in social situations I let people get the best of me. I don't like that feeling. I never used to be that way before. I don't just go along with the flow to make everybody happy. In fact I frequently upset people & that is just part of my strong personality. I am very set in my ways. I know what it takes to be a free person & I work diligently on keeping my freedom. I don't like people who want to control me or manipulate me in any way. My mind is confused. I feel strange. I don't want to feel this anymore. I want to get to a place beyond this detox. I know that place is coming & it's not too far off. I want back my life. I will get it. I will find the exit from this prison I have been surviving in. I want my freedom & independence. I am so close to discovering my way out. There are people waiting for me & I am sure I will find them on the other side. I have to believe in myself again & let go the years of thinking I was beyond hope & crazy. I am not crazy. I don't have a mental illness. I have just been going through a spiritual crisis. I know there is something beyond all this pain. The pain creeps in when I allow it. I am allowing things like this now. I am allowing myself to be depressed. I am letting that emotion fill me up. It is real. It is something I can feel. Before this I could feel nothing & was nothing. I can't live like that anymore. There has to be more. I have goose-pimples all over my skin. I feel cold & hot. I feel naked & alone. There has to be a way beyond this & that place is calling to me. I will find my way there. I will be released from this drone of nothingness. I grow with each passing day. I wake up back to the world I left behind. I am the craziest person I know & that is a beautiful thing. I want to be crazy, really really crazy but really really me. How can I continue to live a lie? Nothing is happy here. Nothing fills me up. I am constantly unfull. I want to be filled up. I want to live & experience real living. I want magick beyond my imaginings. I want to feel.

  • 1

I want magick beyond my imaginings. I want to feel.

me too.............

  • 1

Log in

No account? Create an account