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An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

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My Half/Life...
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
I spend the days recently think about things. I go down to the beach & watch the people passing me by. People with lives. I have no life to speak of & I have no people to fill it up. I watch them jealously wishing I was a part of someones world. I could so easily step into their world but I'm afraid. I am terribly shy of people. I don't know how to relate to them. I have gotten worse instead of better over the years. The main difference between the meds & now is I notice all the people around me. I feel lonely & alienated. I want desperately to go around screaming, "NOTICE ME!". I see all the beautiful people & I want to enter into their world. Maybe it's all a lie I tell myself. Maybe I really don't want to cross the border between me & them. I can't stand living alone anymore. I have to interact with people. I have to find someone to love. How can I find someone? It seems so easy but so hard. I sit there staring at them wish I could cross my line. I have boundaries all around me & walls built up of pain. I just want to feel natural & free. I want to be myself & still enter into the world of other people. I am so by myself all the time. I spend countless hours alone. I want someone in my world. I am sick of being by myself. I want a partner & someone to fill up my time & my world. How can I just stare at them when I want to know them? How can I just exist without any communication with other people or the people I really want to know? I am so scared. I feel them rejecting me. You have to risk something if your going to get anywhere, I know that but how can I? I have never been a really popular person with a ton of friends or anything. I watch people around me who seem to have no problems with it. I watch people with families & flocks of people around them & I wonder how they did it. I wonder how you get out of the world of alone & into the world of other people. I am so scared to take the risk but I can't be by myself for eternity. I am sick of my own company. All I ever do is mumble about bullshit I don't care about. I keep getting the name Jesus in my head & I don't even believe in Jesus. I have no love for that false God set up by the Christian propaganda but I will sit there & say Jesus in my head about a million times a day. It makes no sense. My brain makes no sense & my life makes no sense. I have nothing I love or want. I just go through each day doing the same thing hoping for a different result, the very definition of crazy. I hate my life but I don't know how to change it. I want to commit suicide but I am way too hopeful for a better future which I do nothing to produce. What the fuck is wrong with me? If I want to be happy all I have to do is go out & find myself a woman. Why is that so hard? I see them everyday walking all around me. I could just start speaking to them but I am afraid. I don't know what to say. I see about 20 women a day I could have a relationship with I'm pretty sure but I just pass them by. I stare at them & dream them into my world but they don't exist in reality. I'm not sure I have what it takes to maintain a relationship. I am sure I would if I found the right person. If I never take a chance on getting to know anyone how am I ever going to know? If I never come out of my shell the world will just pass me by & I will be left old & lonely. I already feel old & lonely & the days are just getting fewer. I grow older & no closer to the love of my life. I want someone who will appreciate me for who I am. I am not sure that's a good thing though. Who am I & why am I here? Why is it I can't seem to find my place in this world? I am upset with myself now. I think I should be doing something about my currently loneliness & unhappiness but WHAT? I need to figure it out because it's driving me crazy. Life shouldn't be this filled with pain. I can't stand this existence. I want a new reality. I want to get out of my fucking box. I want to start really experiencing life before it's over. I can't live this lie anymore.

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The key to happiness is finding something bigger than you and devote yourself to it? I don't know I haven't found much bigger than myself. I am 6'6" after all there is not much bigger than me. How about I find something smaller than myself & devote myself to it? That sounds like a better idea.

(Deleted comment)
Maybe I should.. but I know nothing about you..

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