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An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

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Another day of this..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
Who am I? Why am I here? What is this all about? How come I can never fit in here? How come I'm always alone & afraid? How come I feel danger lurching over my shoulder? How come I can't stand the way I feel most of the time? How come I think things should be different? What is the point to all of this? Who is this person who perceives all these things? Why can't I just go out & get what I want? Why is everything so hard for me? How come I just want to scream? Why am I so bored? Where is this all taking me? Is suicide really the solution? Is there an afterlife? Why do I spend so much time thinking about the things I don't have? Why is my mind so obsessive? Where is my freedom? Where is my joy? Where can I find release from the pain? Why can't I live a life numb to anything anymore? Why can I not stand to be doped up anymore? What answers am I looking for? Why isn't anyone here for me? Why am I too shy to get what I want? Why can't I approach people? Who is this person I call me? Who brought me into this world? Why don't I believe in a God who can save me? Why don't I put any faith in what other people believe? How come I can't believe the lies? How do other people do it? How do other people operate as happy slaves? Why can't I get a fucking job or a life? Why don't I have an apartment or a real life? Who is fucking with me? What deity finds delight in my suffering? Why would I choose this way of living? Where I am supposed to go to escape this? Who are all these people constantly stealing my soul from me? Why am I so alone? Why can't I find someone to love? Why am I afraid of people so much? Why do people only let me down & hurt me? Why do I allow bad people into my life? What are bad people? Does anyone believe they are bad? I want out of this mess. I want to be released from this world of suffering. I want to be converted to a new faith which fulfills my every desire & answers my every question. I think there is no wisdom in the world. I don't think anyone has magickal answers to all of creation. I don't believe in a higher power. I don't see any point to existence. I don't see any reason to go on living in an unhappy world. I don't see a point to living in ignorance. I don't know what will make me happy. I want more people in my life but I don't know how to meet people. I don't have any respect for people & have nothing to say to them. I am arrogant & lonely. I don't fulfill my own hopes & dreams. I have no idea how to live another minute of this life. I don't know how to find happiness. I don't believe anyone can ever cure me of my unhappiness. I don't believe pills make any difference. I don't believe in medications. Putting a hold on your reality doesn't change your reality. Hiding under pills doesn't take away the underlining problem. There is no happiness in this world that doesn't go away. Everything is transitory & illusion. Sometimes I think the best people in this world commit suicide. Sometimes I think that is the only solution to an unhappy world. Sometimes I think about killing myself for hours. Someone come save me. I keep looking for a savior & finding only lies & deception. I want my own personal Jesus. I don't fucking believe in that myth. I don't believe anything the Christians have to teach. All I do is dream of a world free of religious dogma & political control. I hate the government. I hate the idiots in power. I hate the school system & the way we learn things in this country. I hate the laws that enslave me. I want out. I want something new. I want to be able to be truely free. I want to go away somewhere. I don't care where it is I just want out. I want to live again. I want to be born again. I want to die. I want to be a Phoenix fire bird & raise from the ashes of my own demise. Please someone save me from myself. I have no pity or remorse for my own person. I have no patience for my own short-givings. I have no tolerance for my own mistakes. I have regrets that I am not living close to my potential as a human being. There are a million reasons to go on living but I can't find any of them. I want to just lie down & fall into an eternal sleep. I want to be a ghost wondering the earth formless without a body. I want to wonder around without restrictions. I want infinite beauty in my world. I want magick & real living. I want sex & union. I want birth & rebirth. I am tired of this all. I want to go away. I want a new reality. I want a new religion. I want truth. I want to fall asleep. I want to goto bed. I want to pass out. I want to cease to live in this world. I want to dream about another place & never return to this drum dull reality. Help me escape. I need another world. I need to go away.. I want to disappear & reappear..