An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

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Something Wicked..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
Well I had my event. Unfortunately I let the wrong people be in charge of things they shouldn't. I let people walk all over me & steal my money. Everything I'm going through is a learning experience right now. I have become extremely emotional since I quit taking my medications. I also realize I have been living in a shell for a few years now. I feel exposed & naked & raw. I feel so used right now & stupid. I actually let someone steal my idea for a rave & completely rape me & take advantage of me. I allowed it to happen. I was robbed blind & did nothing to stop it. I feel like a weak person. I feel like I have no back bone or any intelligence. I feel hopeless & depressed but I also feel this is all temporary. I feel like I'm changing. I have been hidden so long & a part of me really wants to come out. I want to find my place in this world & my main purpose. I have lived in a shallow shell & have let my skills as a human being atrophy. I can barely speak two words without so much emotion & fear. I want to reach out to people now but it is so difficult & I feel so rusty & unskilled. Like anything I guess it takes practice. One small step at a time. Part of my evolution is doing things like throwing raves. Sure I admit I was totally unskilled with it the last time & I let someone else run everything & in the end they took all the money they said they would give me. I thought this person was my friend & could be trusted but this person was never my friend & just saw an opportunity to totally rape someone & get away with it. I like a fool allowed this to happen to me. I like a fool had no business sense at all & just let someone take over all the work I should have been doing. If you do things like that people are going to walk all over you & laugh about it & move on. They feel justified because you act so stupidly. I admit I had no idea how to run a rave the right way. I had an amazing idea for a party & I let someone take that from me. I can learn from this experience & realize the right way to do things in the future. I just hope I have the ability & strength to do it. I feel so scared. I feel so helpless & alone. I know I'm not & that people can care about me if I let them. You have to be a friend to have friends. You have to be able to interact with human beings in order to achieve anything. If your unskilled in doing things like this you are never going to accomplish anything. That is the way I feel now. I need to learn the skills of life. I need to learn to set up boundaries too. I have to be a lot more careful about my surroundings & what I'm doing with myself. I've been living in a void. I can't go on this way. But it is so hard to feel things & have to deal with life honestly. I want friends & people in my life. I want to create a better space for myself & other people. I want to create a world of good people who honestly care about one another. I realize that I just totally suck at this. I can get better though. I am beginning to feel my way out of my box. It is so hard I can't describe how difficult it is. I feel like I need to be strong now & have some skills. It is so hard after this experience to go on. I have honestly thought about killing myself over & over again. I don't think this is what I want though. I just need to learn better social skills & begin to actually live. I have been a dead zombie for so long. I have allowed medications to control my mind & steal my soul. Now I am an empty shell feeling hollow & weak. I don't want to feel this way. I have to get past this. There are people out in the world I want to know. I want to interact with the world & drink in real life. I don't want to live this shallow hollow souless person anymore. People take advantage of you when you have no soul. People walk all over you & laugh as they do it. They have no respect for you. I'm not a bad person. I have to start believing that. I have to start putting my faith back into myself. I have a gift to give the world that comes from the authentic me. There is no other person like me & there never will be. If I'm not acting like me then who will? If I don't engage the world then how can I live in it? I have skills. I have creativity & power I just need to start believing in that. I just saw my brother the other day at the rave. He was there with his friends. We talked for a little while & he was asking me all kinds of questions about what I was doing with my life. I felt badly about it because I really didn't have any good answers to give. The truth is I've been dead. The truth is I am living like a ghost without any connection to the world that surrounds me. I think my brother even got bored with me & disinterested. He left without even saying goodbye to me. That really hurt. I haven't seen him in years & he barely talks to me & leaves without a word. I invented this rave & I wasn't actually there. My social skills are terrible right now. I talked with those people I knew well & only a few others. I should have been the life of the party. I mean it was suppose to be my party right? No I let it become Steve's party. I let him run the show & he stole my money without any regard to me. I actually just let it happen. I was on Ectasy & just allowed him to shell out a small portion of the proceeds & just accepted it after we had agreed to a 50% partnership. I was too fucking high to realize I was being ripped off. I was blind & stupid. I shouldn't have handled things that way. Honestly it was Steve's party. He ran everything & was in control of everything. He wasn't stupid & out of his mind like I was. He used his brain & ran things the way they should have been run. I didn't do anything to stop him. I let myself be taken advantage of without a second thought about it. If I'm going to run raves I need to be in control & do things the right way. I totally gave away my power & was burned for it. I was a weak person with no back bone or intelligence. How could I allow myself to act like this? Why do I allow myself to do these things? Why is it I take no responsibility for myself or my life? How can a person live like this? How can I face myself in the mirror? How can I bare to live like this? I don't want this to go on. I want to grow from my experiences & build a better life for myself. I want to find friends who will accept me in their world. I want to quit being such a fucking pussy nothing. I want to quit beating myself over the head for my past mistakes & just learn from them & move on. There has to be a better world for me to live in. I have to create this space. I have to find other people who feel the way I do. I need to gain strength from myself & not lean on other people for support. I need to learn skills that will help me achieve my goals. I want to quit living in the dark & move into the light. I want my dreams to become a reality. I am tired of just passing through each day like a shadow. I need to do something with myself. I need to find my passion & do something about it. I need to quit letting other people tell me what to do. I need my own life. I need to learn to do things for myself. I want respect & admiration not people raping me for all I'm worth. I am tired of being taken advantage of. I am tired of not really having a life. I want to begin to really live. I have to really begin to work on it. I have to find a way out of my prison. I have built up walls of protection that don't actually protect me. I have built up barriers of fear surrounding me. I live in a world afraid of my own shadow. I can't do this anymore. If I can't learn to live I might as well be dead. What is the point to life if you can't live your life? What is the point of being in the world when your all alone & sad. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to be forgotten as a nobody. I can't allow this to be. I can't allow myself to go on this way. I need to change. I need to work on it daily. I need to take chances & risks. I need to follow my dreams, if I don't I'm going to die. If I don't I'm a living dead person anyway. God I feel horrible & I want to change it. Release me from this painful prison. I need to escape now!! I need to get the fuck out of this shell & into my life. I am going to commit suicide any day if I don't. I am dead now. I need to get out of this hell. I need to escape all the pain & find the pleasure in my world. I can do it. I just need to believe I can. I need to put the strength back into my soul. I need to believe I am a worthwhile person. I need to believe I am likable. I need to believe I am worthy of doing things. I need to get up off my ass & really start to engage life. I am letting the world pass me by as a scared lonely nothing. I am letting other people steal whatever strength I have from me. I give away my power & my soul. If I don't quit doing that I can't live anymore. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to take the easy way out. I don't want to die & deny myself the pleasure of finding my soul. If I die I would just be a wondering ghost in constant pain unable to fufil the life he left behind. I don't want that to happen. I want to work on getting together another rave & this time I am going to use my head. I am going to make connections to real people. I am not going to get taken advantage of again. I am going to put the work into it I need to. I will see my efforts pay off if I use my brain & learn from Steve even though he raped me. I let it happen. I am just as much to blame as he is. I would never do what he did to anybody. I am not the same type of person. I am not a cut throat that finds satisfaction in getting large amounts of money. I realize I need money to live the life I want though. I can use my skills to find money. I am a long time raver & goth. I need to use my experience to build a better life. I have built my skills around diffrent social scenes but I find now that I am apart from them. I need to search in my soul where I left those people behind & build strengh from them. I am not a conventional person & can not do life conventionally. I need to find my skills & use them. I can create great raves I have the skills. I just need to find those skills & use them to my advantage. I need to find the business sense to my previous experiences in life. I need to use what I know best & build a business based upon that. If I know anything it's goth clubs & raves. That is where I spent all my time growing up. Who says you can't make money from something you know well & love. I have the mind to create amazing parties. I don't have the skills to run parties because I haven't learned the skills but now I am. Even though I got ripped off last time I learned what I need to do to make a successful party happen. I got burned once but I won't allow that to happen again. This is my education. This is how I will build a better future. I need to let go of the fear that I don't have the skills & acquire them. I have the motivation & I am inspiring other people to want to come together under my supervision. I have the past knowledge of the scene & I just need to begin to put two & two together. I can do it. I need to find that motivation & just do it. If I want a better world to live in I need to go out there & make it. If I don't nobody else will & I will be living in their world not my own. I'm glad I could write this all out & get it on paper & out of my head. I need this to think sometimes. It really helps me to write about my feelings. Feelings are not a bad thing they are a good thing & need to be embraced. Without feelings you are a mindless zombie. I don't want to mindless or soul less there is more to life. I just need to reach out & grab it. Get involved in my world & take the risks it takes to really live. There is no time like to present to really begin to live & love life. I want to go on living & really begin to live. This is my future & my world. There is nothing holding me back from success except me.


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