An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

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top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
I'm so fucking stupid & fucking crazy!! I can't live like this anymore. I want to fucking die. How is it I can't figure out a single thing? I am blind. I am pathetic. I am evil. I don't know what I'm doing. I use people & fuck them over. I don't know how to do anything right. I am a monster. I am fucking stupid. I am going to hell. I am in hell. What have I done to deserve this? I can't stand my life. I am fucking stupid. I am fucking retarded. I have nothing & no one. Help me! I can't take this. I am fucking falling fast. I can't be this person anymore. I can't live this life anymore. I want to fucking go kill myself. I want to fucking die. I can't handle life. I can't do anything right. I am a total fuck-up. I live in a fantasy world that is hellish & scary. How can I not understand how fucked up I am? No one cares about me. My world is meaningless crap. I am guilty of being the worlds worst person on the planet. I should just fucking give up now. I should just lay down & fucking die. I don't know how to do anything. I am a waste of flesh. I am fucking terrible & nobody wants me here. Please let me die. I am not able to handle this anymore. I want to fucking commit suicide now. I can't live with myself anymore. I am fucking evil. I am fucking selfish. Everyone is laughing at me. Everyone just wants to get rid of me. They know I'm fucking insane. They know I can't handle life. Why do you want to live? Why am I fucking here? Please someone take away this suffering. I swear I am going to find a way today to just end it all. I want to end my life. I want to fucking die. I am not worthy of living. Not even my own family excepts me. Nobody wants to be a part of my life. They are all pointing at me & laughing. I can't handle this anymore. I am going down. I am fucking going to end it somehow. I am just going to fucking go off the deep end. Nobody loves you it's true. Nobody loves you not like I do. Go away! Go away! Someone stop my mind from working. Someone stop me from feeling like such a fool. God I fuck people over everywhere. I am being fucked right now. I am going to scream. I am going insane. Someone help me. I need to find a way out of this. Going to hospital they are just going to put me back on those mind numbing pills. They are just going to numb me out again. I can't stand that! I don't want that! I want a release from this pain now. I want to fucking just end it all. What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is happening to me? I am going to fucking start killing people. I want to kill myself. I am not worthy of life. I have no reason to go on living. I have no reason to breath anymore.

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i care....
and know just how u r feelng, i'm in my own hell here, screaming into the dark......No sound....

I'm sorry to hear that I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone. Why does life have to be so hard?

I do not know,but it is..........*hugs*

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