An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

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God I'm really suffering..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
I feel in a pit of despair. I don't see any way out of it. I want to die so badly right now. If I had an easy way of ending my life I would right now. I feel like I have nothing to live for. I feel like I am completely fucked in the head. I have no idea why life is so hard for me. I have no idea why I can't get along. I am such a fucking mess right now. I have no strength to go on. This is insanity. Fuck this is pain beyond belief. I am in a state of fucking pain. I know no one cares about me. I know I have no reason to go on anymore. I just am living a fucking lie. I can't make my life work. I can't find a solution to my problems. I grow more & more fucked up everyday. I am going down. I am going down. There is so much pain all around me. I feel the walls closing in. I feel pressure on my chest. I am lost. Life has no meaning for me anymore. I have no reason to go on. I can't talk to anyone about this. I can't relate the way I feel to anyone. Fuck this shit! Fuck my life. I am crazy. I have nothing & no one. People use me & throw me away. I have no purpose. God doesn't exist or care. Life is just a meaningless void. FUCK! No one cares. I can't let anyone in. I am scared of everyone. I am in constant panic mode. I want to swallow pills & fall asleep forever. Nobody cares. No one understands the level of my pain. Go away. RUN! Danger to myself. Danger to myself. Danger to others. You look fucking insane. You look like an idiot. You have no one & you can't let anyone in. Nobody cares. There is no escape from this maddness. I am a pain magnet. I can't connect to anyone. I am alone in my hell. I am so fucking alone. In my world no one exsists. I thought I was doing something. I thought I was a success at one thing. I'm not. I thought I could do something. I couldn't. God the pain is overwhelming. All I wanted to do was fit in & be liked. I was used & abused for that. I just wanted some friends & someone to like me. I wanted to be appreciated. I wanted to feel like I could do something useful. I can't. I can't do anything useful. Nobody wants me in their world. I don't fit in anywhere. I have no love even from my family. Everyone runs away from me. I am a walking disease. I have no reason to go on anymore. I have to find a way to end my life, there is no other way. I am a miserable failer at everything. Miserable. I can't even express the word enough. I am miserable beyond misery. All I can do is breathe in pain. All I can do is feel suffering in my heart. I am such a fucked up person. So fucking fucked. I need to find the end to my suffering. I need to end it any way I can. Maybe the next world will be more kind to me if there even is one. I hope there isn't. I hope I just drop off dead & go away somewhere to the end of nothingness. Who wants to exsist in this world of pain? I can't bare it anymore. I am stupid beyond belief. I am the laughing stock of so many people. I was raped by them & they have no remorse. I am dead to them. I never exsisted in their world. I had no place there. I wonder if I take a bottle of Seroquel I could die from it? I don't know. I just want an easy way to end my life. I want to just disappear from this world. I think how lucky the dead people are. I won't be remembered like they are. Maybe by a select few. Hardly anyone will weep for me when I'm gone. God doesn't care about me. There is no Jesus or anything to believe in. Magick has failed me. There is nothing that gives me peace. There is nothing that can help me. Words can't express the amount of suffering I feel. I am so fucking upset. I am so fucking terribly unhappy. I have no reason to go on. I have no hopes dreams or wishes. All my hopes turn into wasted nothing. All my dreams are shattered. No one wants me here. God this hurts. Everything hurts so bad, I can barely breathe I hurt so much. I can't move. I can't fucking believe this shit. PAIN! That is all I feel now. Pain neverending pain.. Take away the psyche meds & you find what really lies underneigh. The pain of countless years of wasted life & shattered dreams. The empty hollow shell of what was once a person. I have no personality. I have no strength I have no will power. I am going to die. I am going to find a way to end this. I can't hold on anymore. People are evil, the world is corrupt. People don't care. I have no place in this world. I have no meaning to my exsistance. Someone just make it all disappear. There is no hope for me. I am not a part of anything. No one respects me. Someone let me out of this. Someone help me to escape this world. I need to find my exit door. I need to find a way to go out of this world. I find no peace here, no love in this system. I was trying so hard to create a better world but it never happened. People constantly rejected me. People have always stepped on me. I have only been happy 2 times in my life. Once with Marin & once with Sabrina both of them are so far away. Sabrina is dead of cancer. I think I should follow her into the after world. Will they have a shrine for me at The Box when I'm gone? I don't think so. Why do people that are loved & apprecated have to die why the ones who suffer in loneliness never get to die? I will be lost & forgotten like my father. No one remembers Merrill Oathes do they? I will be lost in history like he was. I will be forgotten. No one will ever speak my name & I can go away to the world of everlasting peace. I don't remember this life fondly at all. All it's been is pain & shame. I have never truely been happy. I have never known a day of happiness. So much pain. So much I just can't bare it anymore. Please allow me the strength to carry out my plan for suicide. I'm not sure I can manage to do it but I know I can't manage to not do it either.


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