An Autohagiography

Diary of a Fiend

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Well this is a very exciting & scary time for me..
top hat, ring leader, ariel dehaviland
I'm finally out of my prison I have been living in so long. I was isolated & living in my own private void world now I'm coming out. Having gone off these meds I am finally waking up to reality again. I have been so asleep for so long. I had no friends & no life. Now I am beginning to make contacts with people & figure out how asleep I've been. I have been totally dead now I am beginning to come alive. I want to have friends I want to have a life beyond this sick void place I've been in. I can't stand being dead anymore. Everything is scary to me & it takes a lot of effort to actually open up & talk to people. I can't be alone anymore. I can live in a shell anymore. Every passing day gets better. I don't feel like my life is hopeless anymore. I feel like I am begining to make a real difference in the world I live in. I will continue to throw parties in the future & bring people together. This has always been my intention. I needed to branch out & meet people. I am doing it although it is so hard for me. It feels like other times in my life where I have overcome shyness. I am so insecure & shy & never know what to say to people now I am finding my voice. I feel the flight or fight & I keep fighting.. I am sore & tired. I am feeling insane sometimes. But I can never go back to the pit of darkness I just left. I will grow & make a better life for myself. This is the only thing that matters to me. I want good people in my life. I want worthwhile friends & I am finding them now. I will write more about this later.

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Keep pushing for this... I know its gonna take some time and work, but it will all pay off if you stick to it! You deserve it!

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